Well, I'd like to answer that question with a resounding, YES! First of all, this person was a safe choice. I learned about communication, honesty, and how to let someone else into my world. These are all huge things for me because I haven't let many people in. And sometimes, even when I have let them in before I will shut them out if I feel unsafe. I've learned that even if it feels unsafe, I need to talk and resolve the conflict because I'm shutting my best allies out if I don't at least try to see it from their point of view and come up with an acceptable compromise. Also, I don't have all the answers.
I also learned that people are not projects. It's not my job to fix them. I have some very close friends who have come to me for advise before, disagreed with me, and I mourned the fact instead of letting them make their life choices and become the beautiful people full of diverse experiences, that they were meant to be. I cannot take away free will. It's not my job to decide for them. I can be a part of the information gathering process, but anything beyond that is pretty arrogant of me.
Also, I learned that I do have boundaries! Yay! Finally! There are things I am ok with in relationships, and things I am not. My sister Dot gave me her short list the other day. Well, I really liked the idea of it, and I thought I would just keep it as she gave it to me, but I'm finding I have different values than she does. That's fine. But I do need some sort of a standard to go by when getting into relationships.
So, instead, I've come up with five Rules of Engagement. I have a tendency to get into really codependent relationships, and for the first time, I'm not even interested in a relationship. That's why I am setting standards now. I want to get married one day, and even though I think I'm done with relationships for a while, I need to be able to recognize the right one when he comes around. Enter Rules of Engagement. So, for your entertainment, help developing your own, and general well-being, I give you my rules and why.
- No More Boys. I have a tendency to go for the guy who has not yet grown up. Don't get me wrong, they are great to party with, talk to, even date. But, I'm 28. I am finding that I want a real grown up relationship. I like to dream, but I want someone who can back up what they say when we dream together and follow through. If a guy doesn't know who he is and what he is about, he's still a boy. And I am no longer a child. I am a woman. So no more boys.
- Be More Picky. We've all met him. That guy who is ALMOST perfect. He does all the right things except, he lives at home with his mom. Or he doesn't have a job. Or he has really bad people skills. It's that one thing that you know is wrong and you aren't quite comfortable with, but if you pass him up, maybe no one else will come along. OR maybe you're a bad person for judging him. The problem is, this is settling. We all have baggage, hang-ups, and issues. But this isn't always a deal breaker. Can you live with this for the rest of your life if it never changes? If the answer is yes, then awesome. But most times, for me, the answer has been no, and I keep going in the relationship anyways because I hate being alone. Well, I'm no longer willing to deal with deal breakers just for the sake of companionship. That's what friends are for. A partner is just that, someone you can rely on in any situation, someone who's issues aren't going to sabotage your well-being, and someone whom you are committed to walking through life with. If it's not there, I'm not going to settle for it anymore.
- I Don't Call Men. I have a major phone addiction. If I don't hear from my honey every day, I'm on that phone finding out what's wrong. The problem is, that means there is no trust that my man is going to be faithful or hold up his end in the relationship. Plus, it doesn't give him the opportunity to pursue me. And I'll admit that I'm old fashioned. I want to be pursued. I want flowers, and him to pay for the date, and to be picked up when we go out. I don't want to be the one planning everything. I want my man to have the initiative to take matters into his own hands and come get me. So, I don't call men anymore. If they are interested, they can call me. Otherwise, they are "just not that into me."
- If He Can't Take Care Of Himself, He Is NOT Able To Take Care Of Me. Confession: I have the mommy mentality. I will go way beyond where I should have gone to help my friends, significant other, or even strangers out. But when I think about being with someone for the rest of my life, I want someone I don't have to tell to get a job, to eat, to bathe, to do the basics in life. I really don't care about socioeconomic background. No one wants to be poor, but sometimes legitimate circumstances put people in this position. And yes, they can turn it around. It just takes time, luck, and a good economy. These are realities we've been facing in the economic downturn of our country. Some people who are hard workers have lost everything. However, those people still are finding a way to make their lives work, to take care of the everyday-ness of life. This is what I mean by this rule. How can someone who cannot take care of themselves be a proper partner? The answer is, he can't. And asking him to IS asking too much. Those are choices people have to make for themselves because they love themselves. I can't make someone love himself anymore than I can make him love me.
- I Am Worth Taking Care Of, So I Need To Take Care Of Myself. Finally, I will neglect my own well being for the sake of a cause. That cause can be personal, spiritual, career related, educational, or familial. But it's not healthy. Don't get me wrong. There are times in our lives when a crisis happens and other things need to get put aside for a time to really focus on the issue and resolve it. But living in a place of crisis, never having enough time for myself, and not resting are really self destructive behaviors. What's the point of doing well in school, work, or helping other people out if there is no joy in it? Self care is not the same thing as selfishness. Rather, if I want to be around for the long haul, then I need to make sure I am ok. By not saying no to others because I need to care for myself, I am really saying I am not valuable. And, as a Christian, I believe I was made uniquely female in God's image. So I'm basically saying the female heart of God that I represent is not valuable, no worth fighting for, not worth preserving, nurturing, and loving for it's beauty. I don't believe this, so I'm going to stop living this way.
"This season of your life is not about whether to date this guy. Really, it's about discernment and boundaries. With the right boundaries, you can more easily discern what God is saying to you."
