Abstinence is a self-enforced restraint from indulging in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. Most frequently, the term refers to sexual abstinence, or abstinence fromalcohol or food. The practice can arise from religious prohibitions and practical considerations. -from Wikipedia
It's strange how I got here. I am not known for my incredible self-restraint. Rather, I rush full force into life, afraid that I might miss out if I don't grab this opportunity in front of me right now. Try as I might, I find I lose more of myself than I gain when I haphazardly throw caution to the wind and push all my chips to the middle of the table.
And then there were the panic attacks. The shaking of my entire frame, shortness of breath, crying because I don't know why, and feeling like ending it all would be better than the pain. Memories are tied to acts for me. Sometimes it feels as if history is once again caught on the needle of time, and I am forced to relive my darkness over and over again.
Then he said I had a choice. I could admit how out of control it all was, seek out healthier people, better coping skills, and build something beautiful day by day; OR I could continue to live in the self imposed prison of last week's lover and alcoholic day dreaming. I could try to control everyone around me, or I could let them take responsibility for their own lives and begin to live mine.
I have come to realize that abstinence is my friend. It's not because I deam these desires grotesque or unmerited. Nor is it from a sense of obligation or religious fervour that I have chosen not to indulge. My abstaining is simply self preservation at this point. I want to be well, to be around for the long run, to have a beautiful life. I can't do that caught in the throes of another flash back.
In this season of purification of my mind, I hope to find that to the pure all things are pure. I hope to learn how to let go of what was never mine to begin with. I hope to discover how to love without harming myself or others. And I hope to see God. When I am at my most peaceful, I see Him in everything around me. There is beauty to be known in the letting go.
May you find that beauty in your own life today.
