A basement in an old church
Filled with young mothers
And wrinkled, clumsy old crocheters
Female, beautiful and unashamed
A coffee shop in an old house
Filled with eclectic artists
And music, poetry, laughter
Creative, powerful and untamed
A garden in an old plot
Filled with would-be green thumbs
And weeds, tomatoes, dinner
Nature, glorious and unafraid
A heart in a good friend
Filled with generous support
And wisdom, questions, hunger
Unity, wonderful and unrestrained
I watch you ingest your poison
Loving the feelings of the buzz
Melting through your veins
I have sat in awe of your beauty
The music, poetry floating over me
One more substance, layers of youth
You have less than me
And always have
You want them all to be happy
You're beautiful
You really love people
You kept me safe, alive last night
How I wish you knew life
How I wish someone could show you
How I hate these poisons that kill you
I witness your greatness and tragedy
Mixed together in harmony
And love you just the same
Don't mind me
I have seen too much
The testimony chokes my throat
Play me another song
I can get lost in the music
Until you're poisoned again
To everything there is a season, and this is definitely my season of singleness. I have tried to wiggle out of it like a snake shedding its skin, yet I am finding the more I embrace the season, the more blessings I recognize within it. Therefore, in an attempt to remind myself of the good as well as encourage my single friends to recognize the abundance and beauty that is in their own lives, I am composing this list.
1) Time spent with the family I already have
2) Being able to participate in any activity I want, budget and work schedule allowing
3) Not having to feed anyone else meals (as in, cereal is just fine for dinner on days when I have no energy)
4) Getting to know all sorts of interesting people while dating
5) Grocery shopping alone
6) Planning vacation without having to make anyone else happy or think about little people
7) Quiet time alone at home
8) Working out in my living room without being interrupted
9) Showering, cleaning, reading, and engaging in other activities, including phone conversations, without being interrupted
10) Getting to know and love myself
There are reasons to be thankful in every season of life. What are you thankful for in this season you find yourself in?
Beloved,
I want you to know that my heart is for you even as I am afraid of beginning a life with you. I have experienced the disappointment of a poorly chosen mate, known the terrors of domestic abuse, and am still coaxing my heart to open to the possibility of love. Nevertheless, I have come to genuinely love myself, and I want to love you too. I know I will learn how as we get closer to each other.
Darling, your character is of utmost importance to me. I don't care how much money you make, where you live, or what you look like. What matters to me is that you are a man of integrity. I care that your word is your bond, that if you promise you'll do something, you follow through. It matters to me that you honor and respect my family and those who are close to me. I want you to be courteous to them, appreciating the care they've shown me even before we knew each other. Your generous spirit matters to me. The sacrifices you make so others can have what they need mean more to me than anything money can buy.
Dear one, I am after your heart. I want to be united with someone whom I can respect and adore. You must know that I fell in love with the character of Jesus long ago and have since been striving to live a life that reflects His beautiful character. Yes, I have messed it up, but the grace I find helps me to go on.
I want our relationship to reflect that grace. So for now, I wait for you. I date, I pray, I fill my days with love and life as best I can, and I ask God to be gracious and prepare us for each other.
I don't know where you are at in life, but I have always loved you. I trust God's timing to bring our paths together, and believe that He is faithful to both of us. I chose to love you for what doesn't change, your character.
And I am happy to wait for you.
Your bride,
Amy
Gender roles frustrated me as of late. Let me break it down for you like this.
When the alarm goes off, I get out of bed, throw my sheets and blankets back on the bed, turn on the coffee pot, make breakfast, pack lunch, get dressed, and read a devotional. (Female).
I then walk to work, stand on my feet all day playing with knives, fire, power tools, and moving objects that are up to fifty pounds in a job traditionally held by men like Escofier. (Male).
I come home, do my dishes, the laundry, clean my house, buy groceries and household items. I even garden, paint, and crochet. (Female).
But I also plan fun times for myself. I take myself to the movies, out to eat at a favorite restaurant, pursue friendships and education. Heck, I am paying all my bills with my own paycheck. (Male).
Dear people who complain about gender roles in other people's relationships, SHUT Up! At least they have someone to help do all this stuff. Gender roles are nothing more than a prescribed way of doing life passed down by society. But everyone gets to decide for themselves how they are going to live their lives now. So enjoy it.
As for me, all this switching between male and female roles has taught me that I am strong, brave, and able to do more than I previously believed. Hell yes, I still want a partner, but one in the true sense of the word. I want someone who appreciates both my strength and beauty and who is on my team. Because you know I am going to be googly eyed over his gorgeous self and strength. And I will be on his team too.
It doesn't matter who has what body part. What matters is how well we all fit together. Now get out there and play nice in the sandbox.
<3
We had coffee together for the first time tonight. I always enjoy his company. (You know who you are, so don't be shy.) He is intelligent, witty, full of great stories, adventurous, and just as likely to rabbit trail as I am. I adore his sister, and I consider him a friend.
But something he said got my brain working. (If you see smoke, the emergency exits are located to the sides and front of the plane.) He was talking about being "friend zoned."
Or has he been?
I have had friendships that have turned into something more. Sometimes, I haven't even explored my feelings for a guy in that way until he makes it clear he's interested. I can be just as oblivious as a dude about the signs. I either run the risk of appearing too vain (gosh, why wouldn't you be interested in me? I am such great company AND gorgeous to boot!), or I get knocked in the head by a ball from way out in left field (You like me? All this time, I thought I was just being funny by stealing your nachos. But, seriously...do you have more nachos?). Either way, there's always that very real risk when getting friendly with a potential partner that it's either too much or not enough.
So, what are we to do who find ourselves not quite sure, but really hoping that maybe, just maybe, you might feel the same about me? Well, for whatever it's worth, here's what I do. And yes, I am single still, but I know what not to do, so I am hoping if I just do the opposite of everything I have done wrong in the past, it will all work out in the end. For your derision, my short list during the early stages of dating.
1) Find out if your intended is single, playing the field, or in a relationship. (Dear idiot, walk away if they are in a relationship. Ain't nobody got time for that.)
2) Get to know them sober and figure out if you can stand their presence. Some people look better when they are drunk, some worse. But hopefully they aren't always drunk because that's just awkward.
3) Observation is key. My therapist (you should get one, darling. They're all the rage in Fresno) says that the way a person does one thing in life is generally a good indicator of how they will do all things. So, how are they with friends, family, finances, in grooming habits. How do they complete their work, talk about their experiences? And can you deal with this your whole life through (or as long as you both shall date or be in the same room together)? If the answer is no, your "buddy" has got to go.
4) State your purpose. What are you after? Are they on the same page? Be honest. Be polite. And be real. If you want a roll in the hay and your intended is looking for marriage (or at least trying to move in that direction), don't waste each other's time, eh? I know that I personally want to be seriously seeing someone who wants a family with me. I won't settle for less than that, which is why I am still single.
5) Don't sleep with anyone until you both have agreed on the way it's going down. The morning after is no time to discuss sexually transmitted infections, the morning after pill, relationship status, or anything else involved. That's keeping it simple, children. Not doing so is a good way to permanently mess up your life, the other person's life, and a host of unnamed others. A goodnight kiss is keeping it simple. An argument could be made for a handshake, but I am not going to take it that far. (I happen to enjoy a kiss every now and again.)
Well, that's my take on taking it out of the friends zone. I hope it helps. Pursuit is key. So keep going after your dream, whatever it is.
Remember, good loving is like cooking- part science, part art, part skill, part timing, part Murphy being happy with you (luck). May your life be filled with love in all its forms, and may you realize how lucky you are to have friends cool enough to consider dating in the first place. That's winning at life!
All the best,
Amy
Abstinence is a self-enforced restraint from indulging in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. Most frequently, the term refers to sexual abstinence, or abstinence fromalcohol or food. The practice can arise from religious prohibitions and practical considerations. -from Wikipedia
It's strange how I got here. I am not known for my incredible self-restraint. Rather, I rush full force into life, afraid that I might miss out if I don't grab this opportunity in front of me right now. Try as I might, I find I lose more of myself than I gain when I haphazardly throw caution to the wind and push all my chips to the middle of the table.
And then there were the panic attacks. The shaking of my entire frame, shortness of breath, crying because I don't know why, and feeling like ending it all would be better than the pain. Memories are tied to acts for me. Sometimes it feels as if history is once again caught on the needle of time, and I am forced to relive my darkness over and over again.
Then he said I had a choice. I could admit how out of control it all was, seek out healthier people, better coping skills, and build something beautiful day by day; OR I could continue to live in the self imposed prison of last week's lover and alcoholic day dreaming. I could try to control everyone around me, or I could let them take responsibility for their own lives and begin to live mine.
I have come to realize that abstinence is my friend. It's not because I deam these desires grotesque or unmerited. Nor is it from a sense of obligation or religious fervour that I have chosen not to indulge. My abstaining is simply self preservation at this point. I want to be well, to be around for the long run, to have a beautiful life. I can't do that caught in the throes of another flash back.
In this season of purification of my mind, I hope to find that to the pure all things are pure. I hope to learn how to let go of what was never mine to begin with. I hope to discover how to love without harming myself or others. And I hope to see God. When I am at my most peaceful, I see Him in everything around me. There is beauty to be known in the letting go.
May you find that beauty in your own life today.
