Well, it's official. I have clearly gone off the deep end in food land. I woke up yesterday morning at 4:30am totally awake and ready for the day, and instead of reading to go back to sleep or doing a ton of homework, the first thing I decide to do is go to the grocery store so I can make chocolate chip cookies for my friends. Yes, I have crossed the line into food insanity!
The second week of school had some serious hiccups for me. I missed an assignment in one of my classes, I was sent home sick from work because of stress, and I missed a class because I forgot what time it was at, even though I wrote it down in my phone. All this to say, there has been some serious reevaluating of my life going on. The evidence is clear: I have had my priorities messed up, and it's starting to effect all the areas of my life.
So, while I was making cookies for my friends out of Gharideli dark chocolate chips (If you want the recipe, check the back of the bag and substitute one cup of coconut for the optional cup of nuts. This post is more story, less recipe, but it's worth the trip to the store for the chocolate chips.), I came to the conclusion that the reason I have been having such a rough go of it lately is not because of a lack of things to do, fun times to be had, or people in my life. No, the real reason is that I was made to be a giver. Over the summer, I got burned a few times from giving. But the times when I do give and it is received well, those are the best times of my life. I get love the most by giving love.
I also realized that I need to slow down. I cannot give my life to others or have any time for myself if I am constantly racing off to the next task (thank you, Mom, for pointing this one out so eloquently to me and Rose for expressing your concern in the first place). Part of loving others and self is the ability to be, to rest, to abide. If it's one task after another, there is no time for that rest. So, some sacrifices are going to have to be made, but in the end, I think it will be worth it.
I am thirsty for life to the full. I crave to know heaven. This whole crazy cooking business started with me asking God what cookies taste like in heaven. I don't believe that there is supposed to be a dividing wall between heaven and earth, otherwise, why would Jesus have prayed, "Your kingdom come your will be done on earth as it is in heaven?" I know that I miss this goal so often. I try not to drag myself through the mud for it, try to lift my gaze. I'm not perfect, but I don't think that's what heaven's about. I think it has more to do with right relationship and less to do with perfection than we make it out to be.
This week has been about right relationships, about finding out what it means to be not so alone, and about loving myself enough to say no. Chocolate chip cookies always say, "Welcome Home," to me. I finally feel that about Fox. This is my home now, for the next year any how, and I intend to spread as much love and heaven as I can while I am here. I just don't know exactly how yet. So have a cookie, and enjoy your classes. I know I will.
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