LAST PAPER OF COLLEGE CAREER

Well, here it is! My last paper ever. I am tired; my body has decided to quit on me. I am going to go take a nap now, but I finished all my papers. WOW! I can't believe it is over. My advise to anyone entering college is to get yourself a good research writing handbook. You're going to need it. Also, familiarize yourself with the citation tool in your word processor. It will make the process so much easier. I used The Curious Researcher by Bruce Ballenger throughout my college career. It saved my bacon on more than one occasion  All the best to those still in school, just starting, or who have graduated. It's a lot of work, but just doing it is quite the achievement. I salute you!

Amy

Food Diversity in America

I love to eat ethnic food. I am an eighth Italian, and eighth Mexican, and a whole hearted fan of all things new and adventurous when it comes to food. One of my favorite types of cuisines that is available readily to all Oregonians is Thai food. I found myself with great delight sitting down at the Thai Peacock on the corner of Ninth Street and Oak in downtown Portland on Wednesday of last week to a house special, Peacock Curry. My Thai Iced Tea was a lovely orange color with the cream whirled around in it. A small bowl of rice was brought to me, sprinkled with sesame seeds of black and tan, for catching the sauce of the curry. The curry itself was a mixture of peanut and red curry sauces. Chicken, peppers, carrots, and some potatoes swam in the sauce, soaking up the flavor like a kid at the pool. Surrounded by great company, a truly Thai atmosphere, and wonderful conversation, this is a meal I won’t soon forget.

Rice

     Rice is a staple in most cultures, and Thailand is no exception to this rule. In the primarily agricultural system of Southeast Asia, rice is the dominate cereal crop and is valued far beyond its nutritional value (Esterik, 2008, pp. 19). Rice is considered to have a soul that must be nurtured, and the best known of the 120,000 varieties grown in the region is Jasmine (Esterik, 2008, pp 19). “Thailand is the largest exporter of rice at about eight million metric tons.” (Esterik, 2008, pp. 19, 20) People prefer to eat the local variety of rice for their meals, the kind that like them has adapted to the climate where they live (Esterik, 2008, pp. 20). “Rice for household consumption is always separated from seed rice to be used for the next season’s planting and from rice that will be sold. Elder women select the best seeds of rice to be kept for seed.” (Esterik, 2008, pp. 20) Clearly, rice is a key ingredient to any truly Thai meal. I used mine to soak up extra sauces and help fill up my belly.

Chicken

    Americans love to eat meat, but this is not the case the world over. In Thailand, meat is rarely the centerpiece of the meal, with only a small quantity included for flavor of whatever meat is being used (Esterik, 2008, pp. 31). When meat is used, the whole animal will be included, with cuts like the brains, entrails, and other organs being sold for a comparable price to the muscle meats Americans so highly prize (Esterik, 2008, pp. 31). My curry dish being focused around the chicken in it is a prime example of Thai cuisine being westernized to please the palette of the customer. I appreciate this, however if I go to Thailand I know not to expect meat in every dish.

Curry

        Curry is something unique to regions of the world that have access to spices, and Southeast Asia is known for its spice trade.

Southeast Asian cuisine has been described as a balance of hot, sour, salty, and sweet. These flavors are accomplished by blends of spices and herbs, all locally available and highly valued. It was spices that first drew Arab and European traders to the region. And spices still form an integral part of Southeast Asian dishes. (Esterik, 2008, pp. 32)

A mortar and pestle are used to grind plants and spices together to make flavor pastes to be

used in that days cooking (Esterik, 2008, pp. 34). Hard, dry ingredients are added first to the ensemble of ceramic, wood, or stone and ground with subsequently softer, watery ingredients being added later in the process (Esterik, 2008, pp. 34). The recipe and flavors variey from region to region and chef to chef  (Esterik, 2008, pp. 34). Curry powder was developed by the Britsh originally to recapture the taste of Indian cooking while at home (Esterik, 2008, pp. 35). Evidently, my dish was not authentically Thai but a hybrid of modern convience married to Thai tradition.

Vegetables

     Although the vegetables found in my particular dish are not in common use in Thailand, vegetables are highly prized in Thai cooking for their freshness and texture (Esterik, 2008, pp. 27). Vegetables are regularly grown in home gardens and sold at markets (Esterik, 2008, pp 27). Common vegetables of the region include water spinach, onions, garlic, eggplant, “banana blossoms, bitter melon, lotus, bok choy, rapini, napa cabbage, sweet potato, green onions or scallions, Chinese chives, bean sprouts (from soy and mung beans), and a wide variety of local greens.” (Esterik, 2008, pp. 27, 28) New world vegetables have been added to the cuisine as well (Esterik, 2008, pp. 28). The inculsion of carrots, peppers, and potatoes in my meal then seems typical of the style while still being true to the region of the world the restaurant has been established in. These people are known for using the vegetables readily available to them and adapting non-native vegetation to their particular brand of cooking in a way that compliments the flavor profile of their culinary heritage.
   Enjoying the food of Thailand in its Westernized form, I have learned that food cannot be taken out of the cultural context without adapting to the ingredients available within that region. I also am thankful to be an American living in the Pacific Northwest. Incredible bounty of produce and animals thrive here. This directly influences the food choices not only of local fare, but also those of other cultures who chose to come and make this place their home. I enjoy all the various tastes, traditions, and cultural diversity that my beloved Pacific Northwest fosters. There’s no other place like it, and I am blessed to call it home.

Bibliography

Esterik, P. V. (2008). Food Culture in Southeast Asia. Westport, CT: Greenwood Publishing

Group.

Restaurant, T. P. Peacock Curry and Thai Iced Tea. April 17, 2013, Portland.

Woman: Journey Toward Feminism

When I first met Curtis, he told me he was a raging feminist. I laughed and told him I wasn't. This has been a topic I have struggled with all my life. Feminists in my mind were those women who could not accept their place in the home, saw their God given ability to be mother and wife as something of a nuisance and were not content with the role they were given to play in this world. In my mind, nothing good had come out of the feminist movement.

When I talked to Curtis about my core values, he challenged me that they were all feministic in nature. I believe in the equality of all people. I believe that everyone has something to contribute in this world. I honestly believe that if a woman has the drive and ambition to work her way toward the position of CEO in a company, she should not be denied that position because of her gender. I also believe that men can be just as good, if not better, homemakers as women. I have known some men who are excellent care takers of children, and to deny them the right and privilege of raising their babies seems a bit narrow to me too. He said I was a feminists, and I laughed again and told him I was an individualist. (Of course I had to coin my own term for it! I must be different for the sake of being curious.)

This semester has further challenged my beliefs about where exactly I stand on the whole feminist movement. My biggest problems with the movement in no particular order are
1) neglect of the home in favor of pursuing one's own ambition~ I believe family is worth sacrificing for, that children should not be raised by childcare, and that people do better when they know they are loved, wanted, and valued. Most children in America get 15 minutes of one-on-one time with a parent a week. I worked in mentoring. When an adult would take just one hour a week to devote to a child, their grades and test scores would improve; their self-esteem would rise; and they were less likely to get into trouble with the law. The neglect of the family in favor of career has a serious impact on our society. If both can be managed, awesome. But to give up on those who are nearest to you and need you most for something as "common as money" is a travesty.
2) disrespect of men~ I love men. I love how they are aggressive, logical, adventure seekers, and love to protect and provide for their own. I love the fact that they roam in packs when they are young and give all that up to be the best friend of a woman. Granted, they are people, and there are times when they say things about women that irritate me to no end. I am smart; I am capable, and I can make good choices without the help of a man. But a choice for relationship always seems preferable to me because people are the most important thing in my opinion. When pointing out differences, it seems to me that men get disrespected a lot by the feminist movement. I know this is a reaction to the disrespect women feel, but fighting fire with fire does not seem like a good strategy to change anything on either side. It just seems like it's going to burn the forest and the common ground down on this one.
3) self-reliance~ I have tried to be a strong, independent woman my whole life. I suck at it. I need people, need to be in community. My phone bill alone shows this. I do best when I am focused on others, giving, and  involved in group activities. To me, being a feminist has always meant giving that up.

But this semester, something changed in my thinking about this movement. I started a painting class in which I  explored the theme, Female In God's Image. As I painted, I realized how much joy my female relationships have brought to me. Each painting became an explosion of color and life. I want all of these women to have the best life possible for their unique self. I also learned about the convention of Seneca Falls where the feminist movement was born some 72 years after our country and 72 years before women got the vote. What I saw there was a community that felt they needed to speak up for the marginalized and were not allowed to because of their gender. They wanted the right to vote so they could end slavery, the right to divorce and keep their children to end the cycle of abuse, and the right to work to support themselves if they had no one to do it for them. I could relate to these women. I feel compelled to speak out for those who cannot speak up for themselves. I have had to divorce my husband to end the cycle of abuse. I am so thankful to be able to work as something other than a prostitute or servant, thankful to be graduating college. All of these good things in my life would not even be possibilities without the feminist movement.

I was talking to Carrie in art class yesterday about my main concern with the feminist movement being a devaluing of what I ultimately want to do with my life: raise my children inside of a healthy marriage and work if I must within my home to help with the finances. She told me that feminism could embrace that, and that there was nothing incompatible with my dream and being a feminist. I sighed a little sigh of relief. It seems to me that I can be a strong, lovely, empowered woman and still want to stay within my home. Maybe I am a feminist after all, just one that embraces men too. After all, we're all human, all a part of this dance called life.

Last week of classes, ever...

Wow! I can hardly believe that this is my last week of classes, that next week, after finals, I graduate from University! It's absolutely amazing to me.
People ask me what I am going to do next in my life, and I have an answer. I am going to live every day to the fullest, seizing all opportunities, loving everyone I come in contact with, and learning what it means to live on earth as it is in heaven. I don't know where I will be living a year from now, what job I will have, who my friends will be, or if I will be romantically involved. I have learned there is one sure thing in my life: the Love of God.
So, if you're looking for specific details, I guess I don't have any of those answers. I prefer to live day to day, doing the best I can, living my passions, and leaving nothing unsaid. I know life is short and fleeting. I don't want to say goodbye to anyone without them knowing how much they mean to me because I may never get the chance to see them again. But, I am building to leave a legacy of hope, love, and courage behind me. I want people to think of me and get happy knowing that joy is just around the corner and nothing beautiful is ever lost for long. These are my gifts to the world.
Graduation, here I come! The best is on the horizon.

Tell Me What You Want

Dude, counselor people are crazy good at asking stupid simple questions which are impossible to answer! If you have this ability, you should consider a career in this particular field. You'd get paid bank, and you'd have an awesome time using your God-given ability to drive people from madness to sanity while making them mad all the while.

So, needless to say, the counselor dude that I am seeing asked me one of these questions that has me thinking hard. He said that I needed a constant reminder of what it is that I want and don't want in my life. I need to hang out with people who are going the same direction in their life that I am and to fix my course by saying no to people who are not the kind of person I want to someday be. Apparently, I am a little too social for my own good.

We also talked about future relationships. He asked me what type of relationship I wanted to have when I was married, what it would look like. I just know I want a good relationship with my husband, but I don't know exactly what that looks like. He told me I needed to make a little 3x5 index card that states what I want in a man, what I don't want in a man, and things I'd like to have in a man. That way I can carry it with me all the time, and if a conversation comes up about a deal breaker I will know it's time to walk away. I always think, "I can make this work." Other women say, "HELL NO!" So we're working on that.

This is my list. I won't tell you what each item is, a yes, maybe, or hell no, but it's nice to actually have one. Looking at it, I realized that a lot of the men I have dated wouldn't have even had a prayer if I had made this sooner, over half of them really. My girls made fun of me today for my enthusiasm when any man shows any sign of interest in me. I have settled pretty much all of my life. I am not willing to anymore.

So do you have a list, things that you have to have or can't stand? Are you living intentionally, or have you been settling for whatever scraps fall from the metaphorical table of life? It's never too late to use both your head and heart when it comes to relationships. Being single some days is hard, but I love it so much more than being in a dysfunctional relationship. And, with any luck, one day I'll meet someone who has all of the yeses, none of the hell nos, and a few maybes too. I'm going to do it with the aid of this index card and Jesus. ;)

The Lavish Love of God

I went to a Graham Cooke conference this week. I spent the last two days just listening to things I have never known about the love of God for me. I want to post all of my notes, but I have about 10 pages worth, and I don't know how to convey the depth of it all to you.

The conference took place in Portland, and I got to go for free because Graham spoke at GFU's chapel and furnished some free tickets for students. I got a golden ticket. WOW! I have always wanted to hear Graham speak, to meet him. He's one of my heroes of the faith along with Mother Teresa and Brennan Manning. These people exemplify the love of God to me, that crazy heart of God that accepts us, loves us, and dies for us while we are still his enemies. I know no other love like this. I know I never will. That's why it is enough to be like Him. With a love like that, I cannot lose.

Graham spoke on the four stages of sonship and growing up in God over the last two days. He spoke about how when we are an infant, we learn that we are loved just because God is love and He loves to love us because it brings Him pleasure. There is nothing we can do to earn or deserve the love of God. It just is. I have been missing this for a very long time in my relationship with God (not from a lack of Him trying to convey it to me...that's for sure). It was so freeing. I felt myself relax in the goodness of God's love. For the first time, I realized it doesn't matter what anyone else says about me or feels toward me. I am going to be just fine.

The next stage of being a son is the toddler and early childhood stage. These kiddos learn how to behave toward their peers and other people. This is learning how to love those around us and dream with God. We get to create with Him and live in the reality that nothing is impossible with God. Instead of looking at the problem, we look at a creative way to do something differently. It's inventing a strategy for going around the problem instead of working through it because there are no problems in heaven. There is no sorrow in heaven. This blew my mind. If I truly believe God can answer my prayer, "Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven," I need to realize that it's going to happen in my life not by an elimination of problems, but by my acceptance of problems as an opportunity for God to show me something new about Him and to do something impossible in my life. Problems are cause for rejoicing.

Next we learned about the young adult stage of being God's kid. These folks are investing in their future, forming it, asking questions, and trying things out. They get a promise from God and just want to run after it full speed. This is a time of trying things out in the spirit, of doing instead of just wanting everything to be given. It's the time of self determination and dreaming bigger, setting the course of your life. There's a lot more. The thing that touched me the most about this particular part was that God gives us promises in order to sustain us through the tough spots of life. If He gave us a promise, He has to preform it, so it's good news because we know that we will get through whatever we're going through.

Finally, the mature son runs the family business with God. We get to partner with God in bringing heaven to earth by relying on Him fully, continually asking for the promises He's given us, and knowing that we have whatever we ask for. If God promises us something, it's not a matter of if we'll get it, but when. This is the place where the world gets turned upside down. What you see in Jesus, you become to the rest of the world around you. No complaints, no negativity, no bitterness. Jesus died for those things on the cross, and that's the most romantic thing you can give to Him. That's His stuff. Our stuff that He gives to us is joy, life, love, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness  These are what we give to those around us, loving them how Jesus loves us.

This is all a process. We go from strength in the love of God to strength until we reach maturity. We never leave behind any part of our relationship with God. Rather, we take each part with us into the next stage of our journey. There is so much more that happened, so much in my heart that got tweaked, healed, and put right. Walking it out will be the challenge, but I am excited for it. I asked God what He is doing, and He said He's teaching me how to possess the promises He's given me. I love it. Going through the process helps us to stay in the promises of God once we receive them and keeps us looking for those promises until we find them. It's like the best Easter egg hunt of all time!

If you don't believe me, that's ok. I'll let you watch my life and see if this stuff really works. If you've tried and failed, know that you are dearly loved and God's not angry with you. He loves you because He is love and He delights in loving you. And, if you are stuck somewhere, know that it's God's job to pursue you. He is the Lover in this relationship. We are the Beloved. He will do what He wants when He wants. All you do is say yes to Him. That's it. And no, it's not rational, logical, or intellectual. It's foolish. But it's more fun. I've tried to be logical. It makes my heart sick and hurts my body too. I think I'll just go back to being Abba's child now, if you don't mind.

I have not attained all of this, but I am learning that it is ok. My heart is happy; my spirit is full, and I know that God has more for me than what I have planned. I love you all more than I can rightly say. I will learn to love you better.

May you know how beautiful you.

Amy

Poisonous Life

Broken bottle of booze on the sidewalk
Shattered glass, God knows why.
Jagged cut on my finger
Bleeding from the bread knife glide.

Some things never can
Be put back together again,
Like you and me-
You're with her, and I'm learning to be free.

Other cuts take longer,
So much longer to heal
Like the wounds you gave my heart,
Scars that are just starting to look real.

I don't trust myself anymore,
Don't trust what I'll do with others.
I don't believe in love that lasts-
Just a duty of being plundered.

I know this is not truth
Because I see reality around me.
I don't know how to shake the thoughts,
The bondage that's surrounding

My heart and head
With words that you said
Spoken like poison
Into the ocean of my soul.

You would always say,
A lake of truth to hide a drop of poison,
But I found the drop of truth
In your poisonous life.

God did not make me to be a slave;
He did not make you to hurt others.
This is not His fault,
Just a lie you told us to cope.

I wish someone would have taught you
That real men protect, provide, profess
What's going on in their hearts and souls,
That you are good and not evil-

So we would have been different.

But I cannot change the past,
Cannot erase the memories
Nor banish the thought
Of the suffering in lovemaking.

All I can do is forgive you,
Learn another way,
Talk this through to heal the wound,
And know I will one day be okay.

A Road Called Recovery

When my baby sister was five, we were playing tag in my parents' house. I chased her around the kitchen, which had two openings, one to the hall and one to the dinning room. The hall and the dinning room were connected as well, making a perfect loop for our game of chase. We were laughing and all was well until my sister ran into the wall head first, and then ran to her room. I was yelling, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," and chasing her still. My eldest sister was baby siting us for the first time while my third sister was away with my mom and her best friend celebrating her birthday in January. As my baby sister went to put her head on the pillow, I said, "Stop, you're bleeding." We took her into the kitchen, where my eldest sister and I became very adult. My eldest sister called everyone on the emergency list for help, and I cleaned the blood up and applied pressure to it. I think I was ten years old. We got a hold of help, my baby sister got her stitches, and my eldest sister and I had to convince my mom it wasn't a joke when she came through the door an hour later. (Cell phones would have changed the whole story.)

When crisis happens in my life, I am very good at dealing with it. I always have been. It's a good thing too. There have been a lot of crisis's in my life. It's only after the trauma subsides that I am left shaking, crying, and unable to cope any longer. I think paramedics term it shock. Once I know I am safe, I am able to start dealing with things instead of responding in the appropriate manner. In a way, this dichotomy has always lived inside of me. I am the carefree spirit until things go wrong, and then I am going to fix them as best I can. I will deal with the feelings later, privately, when I feel safe enough to grieve, to breathe, to know that no one else is in danger.

On Saturday night, I finally felt safe enough to cry about the abuse in my past and how it has shaped the way I look at things and respond to people romantically. I don't think I've ever had a completely healthy romantic relationship. This saddens me because it's the most important thing to me. My view of love, sex, marriage has been shaped by abuse. I finally made an appointment to see someone to talk it out and try to get healthy, but it terrifies me at the same time. I don't want to think about it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm not ready to pursue a career after graduation because I don't want to bring my issues with me into my professional life. First impressions are hard to change, and once you have a reputation, it's almost impossible to change the way others respond to you in that context. When I am ready to be known professionally, I want it to be the healthy me that others respond to, not the one that says inappropriate things at inappropriate times because I am broken inside and need to deal with my wrecked emotional landscape.

On Saturday, I felt overwhelmed, hopeless, and unloveable. When I have gotten this way in the past, I have become suicidal. My friend Mary said on Sunday morning in her post that no one can remove themselves from this life without tearing the fabric of other people's worlds. So I did something I have not done before. I posted to my Facebook that I was struggling, and you, my dear friends, responded with open arms. Just knowing that you were praying for me, that I am not on this road called recovery alone makes all the difference in the world for me. I isolate because I don't want to cause your heart pain as I go through this process, and sometimes I don't want you to see me as anything other than strong. Also, I only feel safe with a very few people. I need to know I am ok regardless of what I do because so much of my being accepted has been based on what I do or do not do. By-product of past abuse, I am sure. Sometimes all I need is a hug, or to laugh, or just to know you care. I don't always want to talk about it. I don't always feel safe with everyone. I'm not trying to insult anyone; it's just where I am at. Safe means confidential to me as well as not being judged. So if I don't give specifics, just know that's my choice to keep my heart safe for now while I am healing.

One last thing. If you meet someone who's behavior you don't understand or agree with, please don't take it as face value or personal. They may have gone through more than you possibly can imagine, and well meaning attempts to fix it may just be putting a band-aid on a broken leg. Listen to people. Love them as much as you can while respecting their boundaries. Know that God makes all things beautiful in His time, and sometimes healing takes longer than we would like. I've been separated from my ex-husband for four years and divorced for three now. I feel like I am just starting to heal in some areas. If someone medicates themselves in ways that are unfamiliar to you or harmful to them, pray about it before you talk to them about it. I know there have been a lot of times where I've been hurt further by well meaning people. The right answer isn't always the best one when people are hurting. This is why I love the way Jesus dealt with the woman caught in adultery and the woman at the well. He didn't condemn them, but he loved them out of it. Sometimes, that's the only thing that fixes anything. God's not intimidated by my sin. He understands it, AND He won't leave me there. He loves me out of it.

Thank you for being patient with me, for your support, and for listening. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for respecting my boundaries. And thank you for understanding when I have not been ready to deal with it yet. This is a step by step process, and I'm glad that you have faith to believe in me, that I will be well again one day.

All my Love,
Amy

Quakerism and Other Oddities

I'm doing a research paper on what it means to be Quaker for my Christian Foundations class at school. Admittedly  I am no Quaker. I was brought up within the Catholic faith for the first five years of my life before switching to a mainstream, conservative church until I was nine. At this point, my family joined Northside Alliance Church, which was an offshoot of the Missionary Alliance denomination before becoming non-denominational sometime in my teens as the church became increasingly charismatic  After graduating from high school, I attended a discipleship school for a year that was Calvinistic at its core, but essentially non-denominational as well. Since returning home from that experience, I have attended a variety of churches. The closest thing I would call to my own home is the House of Prayer movement. I feel like I can blend with almost any Christian environment I find myself in while my faith is best served in individual experience and expression. To those who know nothing of church history and theology, I apologize for how boring this post is thus far.

As I read Rufus Matthew Jones book The Faith and Practices of the Quakers written in 1930 and published by Methuen & Co.LTD. in London, I was surprised by a paragraph I read that deeply touches my own sentiments when it comes to faith. He writes,

In the first place, the Churches are bound to face, in a more adequate way than has yet been done, the intellectual reinterpretation of the universe. Christianity is, of course, vastly more than a theory of the universe. But at the same time, it cannot be right to hamper the freedom of the spiritual life of man by trying to keep it fitted into the intellectual framework of apostolic ages, or dark ages, or middle ages, or the reformation age. What one is asked to believe, or to think, or to hold, must fit in with and conform to one's whole system of thinking. Religious truth must always first of all be truth. It must not be determined by the views which prevailed in religious circles in some particular former century, any more than medical truth, or truth in physics, should be so determined. Every truth that has been discovered, verified and demonstrated, is thereby orthodox. Truth in this sphere and field, as in all other fields, grows, expands and enlarges. It must not be limited to what was in stock in the ages when creeds were formed. It is not enough, then, to debate a change of phrase here and there in an ancient formulation of faith. The person who it to be genuinely religious, who is to be a follower of Christ, must be free to believe what his deepest being finds to be true and he must not be asked to say that he believes what he cannot square with the facts of his universe, or with the testimony of his soul. pps. 4-5

How honest can I be when I am told what to believe, told what is right and wrong, told to face the facts? I loved this passage so much because I don't want easy answers. I don't think those really exist in this life. They don't for me, anyways. If they do for you, I am so pleased. For me, my faith is the ripping of new life, the pulling and messy death and rebirth. Nothing is ever solidified or perfect. I crave order, yet the chaos is where I am most at home. My dreams are born out of that chaos. I dream of a church that can love everyone regardless of where they have been or what their personal beliefs are based alone on the love that I see in Jesus. I believe in the work of the cross; it is my hope and stay. I have friends who do not understand the cross at all or who believe God is a giant fairy in the sky, a made up child's story to help people sleep at night. Very good. I still love them even as I hold dear the most precious relationship I have.

If you ask me how I know God is real, it's because I have heard his voice. It's because things happen in my life too often for it to be coincidence. It's because I always have what I need when I need it, even though there is no logical explanation for the phenomena  I believe in God because I know things I should not about other people. I feel power go out of me when I pray for others. I have seen genuine miracles. I believe in God because when things were craziest in my life, when I cried out to God they became peaceful. I believe in God as surly as I believe in the person who gives me a hug because I have felt their embrace. To deny their existence would be stupid on my behalf and make me a madwoman. In the same way, I have felt God, heard His voice, seen the evidence of His activity in my life, and know Him as intimately as I know my best friends. To me, He's real. And if that makes me a madwoman, so be it.

Yes, I think faith has to change and grow. No, I don't think the earth is flat or deny evolution as a change over time that has been seen in the earth and documented. I just still know there are things in the universe I cannot explain, a mystery to it. This is the art of the world, the creativity and soul of it. I ascribe all of this to a personal God who loves me and cares for me. Should you chose to define it in some other way, my disagreement with that does not mean I hold you in any less regard. I still find you amazing.

This is what I struggle to say. When we talk about faith, so many times hostility makes people turn into monsters and lose sight of the value of each person in front of us, regardless of their belief. I don't have to agree with someone in order to love them. I don't have to subscribe to their belief system or lifestyle to respect them. Disagreement is not licence to devalue another human being. Honest questions should not be met with disdain. Learn from others. Be curious. Do not be threatened just because someone else doesn't see it the way you do. Without the dialog, there can be no growth on either side.

But I may just be a madwoman. Who knows? Perhaps the dialog will heal us all.

Finding My Heart's Voice

I was afraid of the shadow
Under my eyes, around my heart.
I was afraid it would mean
A life of loneliness
Set apart
From the love of your embrace.
What would happen if I were to trace
This dark ribbon of my past-
Opened it up for all to see?
Would it swallow me
Into the depths of a black hole
Losing all control
Of my destiny?

But then it happened again-
From pages of the past
The monster took center stage today,
And I realized that by closing my eyes
I helped him make his escape
And kept him safe to haunt me
With scripts too old
To be creative.

So I opened the box
I had locked my heart in,
Found the voice,
A small whisper like a child
Afraid of the dark
Calling for help
Unsure of what to do next,
And I screamed.
I called the doctor
To help me remember
 How to speak.

And no, it's not over yet,
But I'm half way there;
I'm sure of it.
I know I have a problem.
I know I'm not alone,
And I know that
FACING IT
Means you and me
Together happily
One day.
And the monster will go away.
Forever.

I love you, husband-
Whoever you are.
I am fighting this one for you,
For us,
For Love.

Home again, home again

I've had an interesting blogging experience. I am not sure what to make of it really.

I love to write here, and I link this blog to my Facebook page so people can see what I have been up to. But apparently, Facebook friends weren't the only ones reading it. That's fine. I was invited to join Storylane, a new blog site that was opened for about 4 months before joining forces with Facebook and abandoning the site they recruited me for.

I loved Storylane. I loved the way the pages were set up, the prompts for stories, and how people would ask me questions to tell stories about my life. I loved that I didn't have to feel inspired to answer a question, I could just write for the joy of writing. Mostly, I liked that it was a safe place to work out my own questions about life and God and growth. I will miss the community of people.

But I've decided that I am not going to miss writing because I am not going to quit. I love to write; love to share. You better believe that just because my favorite blog site sold out to Facebook, it's not going to stop me from being heard.

Another good thing came from all of this. I am learning that real life friends and actually talking to people about what I am facing, although scary, is the best move I can make in life. So, I am speaking up for myself, not just typing. It's hard, but I think in the long run it will be a good thing. My best friend told me, "If anything, you are finally standing up for your mental health, which is positive." I positively agree.
I am thankful for Storylane, but I am more thankful for blog sites that don't go away! LOL! Who knows, the Storylane team may work miracles on the Facebook notes section. Until that day comes, you'll find me blissfully typing here. The real adventure is in consistency, my friends.

So stay hungry for truth, for connection, and for being genuine. I have a lot more food stories to share, but I just thought I'd give you a heads up on where I have been in blog land for the last little bit.

Until next time, happy eating!