Giving it a name

First off, I don't desire your pity. It makes me feel like less of a person, and I already struggle with that enough as it is. The reason I am sharing this online at all is because I hate the secret of it, and I hope my story can help someone else to heal.

I was diagnosed with mild depression about two weeks ago. Yes, I have a mental illness. I get sad for no reason, feel like life is completely hopeless, and cannot pull myself out of my darkness despite my best efforts. Little things set me off. I don't care how people react to me. And sometimes I think not being alive is a better option than living. I have to force myself to go to work, to eat, to clean my house and get dressed and practice daily hygiene. Finding hope for the future requires effort. The daily details of life are a challenge that at times seems overwhelming. I think I am going crazy half the time and can feel totally isolated and alone in a room full of people.

The good news is my condition is very treatable. According to my psychologist, research indicates that forty minutes of exercise a day is enough to elevate happy brain chemicals (the kind I lack) for 24 hours. I have been working out three times a week to start, and I notice the difference. So does everyone at work.

Having hobbies I enjoy also is a part of my therapy. I love to paint, crochet, write poetry, listen to music and read. My therapist told me I need to do these things three times a week for about half an hour each. I feel better about myself after doing these things, and the world feels like a more inviting place too.

Eating right and journaling are also major components of my journey to health. This is a whole body disease, so to fix it, I have to pay attention to all systems.

Finally, having a support network is very important in healing. I have to be around people who are supportive four times a week for about twenty minutes. A lot of depression is about suffering in silence alone. By having other people care, there's something worth while to live for and strength to get through the lows.

Talk therapy is another component of my healing journey. I meet with a psychologist once a week for an hour to figure out where I am not thinking clearly. I am trying to stay off medication right now, and I hope I can kick these blues before long.

If you feel sad for no reason, please seek help. Life can be lovely again, and it doesn't always have to feel like the end of the world. You can be better and get better. Yes, it's a journey, but one well worth taking.

I've already seen some improvements in my symptoms, and I've only been treating them for about a week. Not everyone is that responsive, and your treatment may look different than mine, but I am so encouraged by the good feelings finally being there again.

It's nice to finally have a name for what's been wrong for so long. It's also nice to know I will be able to get well if only I don't give up. Love you all.

Daughter

Flash of light
Small hands and smile bright
Those cocoa eyes
Gazing back at me
Little pink dress
Curtsey and impress
That you are mine on me
I haven't met you yet
Beautiful baby girl
But I saw your face
This morning as I dozed in my bed

I am single
There's no one in the picture right now
Yet you haunt me, my little one
I want you to have a good Daddy
Just like I do
Someone who will show you
How men are meant to be
And to keep you safe and happy
I want you to learn from us
Loving someone is worth the rain
I never want you to worry
About being unloved or alone

So I say a prayer
For your Daddy to come soon
Because I am excited to meet
Both of you
To love you with my whole heart
Baby girl, you've been wanted
From the start
This journey to you
Has been hard
But you are worth it to me
I love you.
Your momma will always love you.

Rough Sketches

I've been noticing little people a lot lately. They bring me comfort and peace by their mere presence.
As I waited for my counseling intake appointment, a little boy flew his toy airplane through the air next to me, used the ground as his airport, and looked up at me with his blue eyes from under my chair, playing peak-a-boo. I admired his calm, and I realized it was all going to be ok.
At the dentist, big brother was crying as I waited to get my teeth examined before being cleaned. Little brother kept turning around, smiling, and staring at me. Do people know how beautiful they are when they stare at something or someone they find beautiful? They light up like Christmas trees, and to me it is the most beautiful sight in all the world. I am still in awe when ever children look at me that way. I think it's sacred, this unconditional love children have not learned to squelch yet.
I biked to Fred Meyer's Friday to restock some supplies, and found a bench next to a table with a mom and son team selling overpriced popcorn for Cub Scouts camp. As I ate my sushi, a little girl in adorably oversized glasses came out of the building with her parents who were immediately solicited by the young man on a mission to please his mother and win his rightful place among the few, the proud, the camping. She just stopped and stared. The little girl wiggle came, that nervous laugh and shy smile that seems always to accompany the hope that maybe, just maybe he feels the same way too. And I wonder if we're all so obvious, or if the cool we think we develop as we get older is not a facade to something children don't have to be taught. Beautiful people are everywhere.
I look up at the stars one more time, and I wonder if it ever bothered him, Sarah's laughing as he took a journey towards a land he could not see for a child he had yet to hold. Abraham's story haunts me. What is it to live every day faithfully with a promise burning in your heart? I watch the children and I know they are a promise to me. He still is faithful to his word no matter how many times I think I can do it better, do it right. As Melody says, "God's A plan is still in motion. His heart is for you, toward you." Children are the embodiment of that hope. So in all these things, I won't lose heart. It's just a rough sketch of the beauty that is to come from the God who is, who was, and always will be faithful and true.

Not an event

"Intimacy is a process, not an event," my dad said to me over the phone as we talked about all that's gone wrong in my dating life this last month (ok, lifetime...but really, who's counting?). Surprisingly, my dad's advice and wisdom seem to get better with age and distance, like a fine wine that needs time and air to complete its transformation into an epic romance. Yep, he's one smart man, my dad.

So here's what I am learning about the process. It's slow. You can want something to work out yesterday, but unless you're willing to wait, to work for it day by day even if you're not exactly sure what you're working for, you'll never achieve your goal. That may mean saying no to something right now because it won't work in the long run, spending another night alone because dating someone you have to settle for is settling for less than yourself, or getting your butt to therapy, the gymn, the doctor, the dentist or your best friend's house to be the healthiest you. Hey lady, if you don't want broken men, why do you think the "man of your dreams" would?

It takes dedication. What do you value? How do you see yourself? And what are you doing about it? Looking in the mirror and holding yourself accountable is never easy, but it's the only way lasting growth can occur. It's also the only way you can maintain your health. It's a lot harder to repair the damage than to avoid it in the first place. Please trust me on this one and be dedicated to your own self care and saying no to things that will hurt you or just don't feel right to you.

It takes community. People who want to be a part of your life for the long run won't always see eye to eye. Some of them may not even like each other. But if they are worth holding onto, they won't devalue the other healthy relationships you have in your life or encourage you to throw in the towel on good relationships when things go amiss as they most certainly will. They will help you through it and encourage you to find the good in the situation. They will also alert you to the errors you're prone to and point you to healthier choices and people. Everyone needs the support of community. We're not meant to go it alone in this life.

I am taking my own advice. There are a lot of unhealthy habits I have to kick in my life. I am getting help, but I know a lot of the problems were created by me, and I am going to have to be the one to fix them. I am not running from them anymore. Instead, I am learning to embrace the process every day in hopes that one day, I won't come home to an empty apartment. Instead, I will be greeted by my husband and our children. It's my dream. It's a small one, but it's the one I hold most dear. Until then, I will be leaning into the process and holding onto hope. And once I am there, I will be practicing what I am learning now.

May you find joy in your process.