Not an event

"Intimacy is a process, not an event," my dad said to me over the phone as we talked about all that's gone wrong in my dating life this last month (ok, lifetime...but really, who's counting?). Surprisingly, my dad's advice and wisdom seem to get better with age and distance, like a fine wine that needs time and air to complete its transformation into an epic romance. Yep, he's one smart man, my dad.

So here's what I am learning about the process. It's slow. You can want something to work out yesterday, but unless you're willing to wait, to work for it day by day even if you're not exactly sure what you're working for, you'll never achieve your goal. That may mean saying no to something right now because it won't work in the long run, spending another night alone because dating someone you have to settle for is settling for less than yourself, or getting your butt to therapy, the gymn, the doctor, the dentist or your best friend's house to be the healthiest you. Hey lady, if you don't want broken men, why do you think the "man of your dreams" would?

It takes dedication. What do you value? How do you see yourself? And what are you doing about it? Looking in the mirror and holding yourself accountable is never easy, but it's the only way lasting growth can occur. It's also the only way you can maintain your health. It's a lot harder to repair the damage than to avoid it in the first place. Please trust me on this one and be dedicated to your own self care and saying no to things that will hurt you or just don't feel right to you.

It takes community. People who want to be a part of your life for the long run won't always see eye to eye. Some of them may not even like each other. But if they are worth holding onto, they won't devalue the other healthy relationships you have in your life or encourage you to throw in the towel on good relationships when things go amiss as they most certainly will. They will help you through it and encourage you to find the good in the situation. They will also alert you to the errors you're prone to and point you to healthier choices and people. Everyone needs the support of community. We're not meant to go it alone in this life.

I am taking my own advice. There are a lot of unhealthy habits I have to kick in my life. I am getting help, but I know a lot of the problems were created by me, and I am going to have to be the one to fix them. I am not running from them anymore. Instead, I am learning to embrace the process every day in hopes that one day, I won't come home to an empty apartment. Instead, I will be greeted by my husband and our children. It's my dream. It's a small one, but it's the one I hold most dear. Until then, I will be leaning into the process and holding onto hope. And once I am there, I will be practicing what I am learning now.

May you find joy in your process.