Repentance

The pastor says something I've heard so many times it's common to me. "Repentance means to think in a new way." I have not known how to do this new thinking until recently. Maybe some of us need life spelled out a bit clearer than a half hour on Sunday provides for.

My therapist put it to me this way. The brain has habitual thoughts. If you can catch the negative ones and replace them with positive ones, you can change your outlook on life.

I have also been listening to a book on tape called, "Emotional Awareness: Overcoming the Obstacles to Psychological Balance and Compassion" by The Dalai Lana and Paul Roman, PH.D. Dr Roman has spent his career studying the human face and the signals it makes when someone has an emotion. He and the Dalai Lana both agree that happiness is not determined by wealth but is a conscious state of mind we can all achieve if we would only pay attention to our emotions. I think the Apostle Paul calls it, "taking every thought captive."

This morning when I woke up with a sinking feeling, I realized I was safe, I had what I needed, and I told myself, "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." When I feel like a failure and that nothing I do matters, I tell myself, "I am building something beautiful. This is not a waste of time." When I feel like the world is ending, I reassure myself that, "I am safe. This is just a part of my healing process."

It takes a lot of focus, but it's getting easier every day. Maybe one day it will be automatic, but that is a while from now. For now, I am learning to repent. It's a process worth undertaking. It brings me back to life.

It's not you; it's me.

I am sitting in bed watching the snow fall down outside my window trying not to panic, become clingy, or slip into darkness. I love the snow, but it also reminds me of the worst time in my life. That was seven years ago, and I am still working baby step by baby step to cure the trauma.

I started seeing someone new too. He gave me a gift for my birthday, but I haven't heard from him for a day and a half. Normally, I would have called or texted or SOMETHING at this point, but my therapist and I came up with a plan so I don't look like a crazy person when it comes to dating. He said wait three days, then check in. I hate waiting.

My life right now consists of plans for everything. I plan hobbies three times a week, exercise three times a week, being with people four times a week, meals, and getting out of debt. There is a list on my refrigerator of people to call when I can't stop crying and a safety plan next to it for conducting my dating life. Everything right now is planned because it has to be. If I don't plan it, it won't happen. Even if I do plan it, it still may not happen.

This is what my depression/ trauma looks like. I still love to laugh, still enjoy being with people, still want a family. I just have to be strict with myself and tell myself it will be ok. Stick to the plan. I have to remind myself of the good things I have already accomplished in life: graduating university, getting out of credit card debt, maintaining my own apartment for seven months, paying down or off other old debts, holding down a job and stepping up in that job. I don't want this thing to cripple me.

And yes, I still have outbursts at work. I still forget things. There are times I am still in a little ball on the floor, but that's when I start to work my plan and this becomes more manageable. Not fixed, just livable.

Snow reminds me of the best and the worst times. But I want to stay, to live on. Because there is life buried under all that white frozenness, and I mean to watch it burst into bloom. There is life buried under my depression, deeper than my trauma and I mean to let it through. Until then, I am sticking to my plans.