It's not you; it's me.

I am sitting in bed watching the snow fall down outside my window trying not to panic, become clingy, or slip into darkness. I love the snow, but it also reminds me of the worst time in my life. That was seven years ago, and I am still working baby step by baby step to cure the trauma.

I started seeing someone new too. He gave me a gift for my birthday, but I haven't heard from him for a day and a half. Normally, I would have called or texted or SOMETHING at this point, but my therapist and I came up with a plan so I don't look like a crazy person when it comes to dating. He said wait three days, then check in. I hate waiting.

My life right now consists of plans for everything. I plan hobbies three times a week, exercise three times a week, being with people four times a week, meals, and getting out of debt. There is a list on my refrigerator of people to call when I can't stop crying and a safety plan next to it for conducting my dating life. Everything right now is planned because it has to be. If I don't plan it, it won't happen. Even if I do plan it, it still may not happen.

This is what my depression/ trauma looks like. I still love to laugh, still enjoy being with people, still want a family. I just have to be strict with myself and tell myself it will be ok. Stick to the plan. I have to remind myself of the good things I have already accomplished in life: graduating university, getting out of credit card debt, maintaining my own apartment for seven months, paying down or off other old debts, holding down a job and stepping up in that job. I don't want this thing to cripple me.

And yes, I still have outbursts at work. I still forget things. There are times I am still in a little ball on the floor, but that's when I start to work my plan and this becomes more manageable. Not fixed, just livable.

Snow reminds me of the best and the worst times. But I want to stay, to live on. Because there is life buried under all that white frozenness, and I mean to watch it burst into bloom. There is life buried under my depression, deeper than my trauma and I mean to let it through. Until then, I am sticking to my plans.