Repentance

The pastor says something I've heard so many times it's common to me. "Repentance means to think in a new way." I have not known how to do this new thinking until recently. Maybe some of us need life spelled out a bit clearer than a half hour on Sunday provides for.

My therapist put it to me this way. The brain has habitual thoughts. If you can catch the negative ones and replace them with positive ones, you can change your outlook on life.

I have also been listening to a book on tape called, "Emotional Awareness: Overcoming the Obstacles to Psychological Balance and Compassion" by The Dalai Lana and Paul Roman, PH.D. Dr Roman has spent his career studying the human face and the signals it makes when someone has an emotion. He and the Dalai Lana both agree that happiness is not determined by wealth but is a conscious state of mind we can all achieve if we would only pay attention to our emotions. I think the Apostle Paul calls it, "taking every thought captive."

This morning when I woke up with a sinking feeling, I realized I was safe, I had what I needed, and I told myself, "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." When I feel like a failure and that nothing I do matters, I tell myself, "I am building something beautiful. This is not a waste of time." When I feel like the world is ending, I reassure myself that, "I am safe. This is just a part of my healing process."

It takes a lot of focus, but it's getting easier every day. Maybe one day it will be automatic, but that is a while from now. For now, I am learning to repent. It's a process worth undertaking. It brings me back to life.

It's not you; it's me.

I am sitting in bed watching the snow fall down outside my window trying not to panic, become clingy, or slip into darkness. I love the snow, but it also reminds me of the worst time in my life. That was seven years ago, and I am still working baby step by baby step to cure the trauma.

I started seeing someone new too. He gave me a gift for my birthday, but I haven't heard from him for a day and a half. Normally, I would have called or texted or SOMETHING at this point, but my therapist and I came up with a plan so I don't look like a crazy person when it comes to dating. He said wait three days, then check in. I hate waiting.

My life right now consists of plans for everything. I plan hobbies three times a week, exercise three times a week, being with people four times a week, meals, and getting out of debt. There is a list on my refrigerator of people to call when I can't stop crying and a safety plan next to it for conducting my dating life. Everything right now is planned because it has to be. If I don't plan it, it won't happen. Even if I do plan it, it still may not happen.

This is what my depression/ trauma looks like. I still love to laugh, still enjoy being with people, still want a family. I just have to be strict with myself and tell myself it will be ok. Stick to the plan. I have to remind myself of the good things I have already accomplished in life: graduating university, getting out of credit card debt, maintaining my own apartment for seven months, paying down or off other old debts, holding down a job and stepping up in that job. I don't want this thing to cripple me.

And yes, I still have outbursts at work. I still forget things. There are times I am still in a little ball on the floor, but that's when I start to work my plan and this becomes more manageable. Not fixed, just livable.

Snow reminds me of the best and the worst times. But I want to stay, to live on. Because there is life buried under all that white frozenness, and I mean to watch it burst into bloom. There is life buried under my depression, deeper than my trauma and I mean to let it through. Until then, I am sticking to my plans.

Extroverted Feeler Problems

I know, I know. Ok. I have been told it a million times. I wear my heart on my sleeve. My emotions come out in bursts of energy, and I can't always control them. I work hard to manage them...as in body building hard. But when I am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, controling them becomes pretty near impossible. They tell me it's the human condition. Most people are understanding of this.

There is one word I hate being applied to my feelings. Drama. Seriously? The implications are that my feelings are not real, are not valid, are not important, and should just be ignored. Being a Feeler, I process everything through my feelings. I have to before I can even begin to pull it a part logically. I am incredibly logical once I have processed my emotions. But to discount them is to take away the inner voice that helps guide me on my journey.

Being extroverted doesn't help matters. I talk to people about everything. To those who are intolerant of excessive emotions, it makes me seem like a flounder tool. But those who take the time to listem, to discover the truth about me soon find out that I care deeply about others, that my emotions are what they are, only a compass to help guide me, and that I hate being seen as nothing more than a drama queen.

So could we please discontinue the use of this label? People are so much more than one dimensional. Stereotyping takes away the value of the life in front of you.

Soap box dismounted.

Hiring my "Boss"

I made my therapist laugh today. We were talking about my latest crisis which was brought on by another misadventure in dating. He asked me to make a list with him of all the traits I wanted in a future long term committed relationship. I said respect, love, loyalty, kindness, someone who doesn't look at my friends (or drool over them, or date them), someone who will take care of me and the kids when I am sick, someone who is a hard worker, someone who lets me have time with the girls and has his own life too, someone who enjoys some of the same things I do, has a good family life or support system, likes kids, and is easy on the eyes. Give or take a few.

He looked at the list and said, "If I had a business and I met this guy, I would put him in charge."

I laughed and said, "Maybe I am more entrepreneurial minded than I think."

He asked, "How do you mean?"

I replied, "I have a job opening for a guy and every time I let one go, it's like, damn, not another one. We lost another one!" We both laughed at that and then started talking about how I would know this guy when I met him. We came to the conclusion that patience is important for me to win in this scenario. I feel like I have to be with someone, anyone right now because I want to be a people maker. He told me women can have children into their sixties and that I can take the pressure off of myself. So I am trying to cool my jets and recover from the things I have done to myself in my own heart and head.

The exchange has got me thinking in a different way about relationships. In essence, we get to hire our own boss as ladies. (I know my feminist friends are about to burn me at the stake for this, but I am still a bit traditional. Sorry, ladies.) We get to chose the man who is going to be the father of our children, who is going to take care of us in our old age, who will help us plan for retirement, have fun with us on vacation, be our playmate, confidant, and friend. That's a huge job. I want to pick the very best man. By being in a rush, I have hurt my progress in this endeavor. I don't want to just settle for some dude who seems ok. I want the best CEO of my home in the world because I would want the same in the world of work. Some women, I know, already made that choice and now get to live with it for better or worse. I want my choice to make my life better.

So I have decided to invest in me today, to take my time and look around and to enjoy being single. I am taking the pressure off relationships, cooling my jets, looking forward to spending time with friends and family, and actually looking at the guys' profiles on eHarmony....just looking. I do want to be with someone, but not at the expense of being disrespected, lied to, cheated on, or left in the dark. It takes a long time to get to know someone well enough to give them the keys to the office, so I'm in it to win it. This is my Christmas gift to myself this year. I hope you give yourself something equally valuable.

Merry Christmas.

Respect

Authenticity: this is how you win respect. Being who you are, flaws and all, openly and honestly for all to see. That doesn't mean you stop working on developing your character, it just means you own your shit. Hiding the darker side will only hurt you in the long run. We all have one, so why not be honest about it and let the pieces fall where they may.

Treat people right. They may drive you crazy or to the breaking point, but who they are does not determine who you are. I can be super upset with someone and still be kind to them because I want to be a kind person. It doesn't mean I let them get away with walking on me. It just means I refuse to be hateful. No does not have to be screamed in order to be heard. It just has to be consistent.

Don't change your boundaries for ANYONE! I have, and every time, I've regretted it. Respect starts with respecting yourself first. If you know something is not going to work for you, don't do it. In my case it doesn't matter how long I have known the guy, how cute he is, or how much fun we have together. If he's not in it to win it, I am only wasting my time, hurting myself, and possibly hindering him from growth.

Live your own morals, and let others live theirs. If all truth is God's truth, eventually we'll get it right. I think the point of life is more about discovering passion and connections. Letting others be themselves allows for this to occur. We can share our viewpoints and come away more enriched, but determining who and what another should be will only lead to resentment in the end. People need to be allowed to be people.

That being said, learn the rules of the game and come up with a strategy before playing. Be in this thing called life to win, not simply to survive. No one has ever survived life. So win instead.

Give what you want to get back, even if the other person doesn't deserve it. If you wouldn't be happy with other people knowing about your actions, don't do those things in the first place. If you do engage in embarrassing activities, own it. People will respect you for it. Then do better next time, and celebrate small victories.

Respect can take a lifetime to build and be destroyed in an instant. Learning how to fail is just as important as success. Be respectable and you will be respected.

Getting out of poverty

I have never lived my life according to someone else's rules. I always wanted to know why the rules were there in the first place, what would happen if I broke them, and what I believed about those social customs anyways. My life has not been boring, but I have taken the scenic route as a result.

I am told that this is what scientists and artists do. They aren't satisfied with conventional answers but always have to dig deeper. The why behind the what is important to them. As such, artists are notorious for learning the rules to break them, and scientists postulate and experiment to understand the world better. I resonate with this deeply.

I have graduated college and am still working a low income job. It's not that I have not tried to get a career job, I just have not had any vision of myself in one until recently. But in order to get out of this crazy cycle called poverty, I am either going to have to marry rich (hello he-cession and the rise of effeminate men) or put myself through grad school and actually beat life at this game. I can't control who falls in love with me (and make no mistake, I will be marrying for love, not money), but I can control what job I am eligible for. So back to school I go.

My plan is to combine the art of living well with the science of food and become a Registered Dietitian. I want to work clinically, using food as an aide to heal people. The science at this point is a bit intimidating. But I won multiple science fairs back in elementary, and I loved science in middle school. I just need to apply myself is all.

To get into grad school, I have to take the GRE and five science courses. I can do this. That's all that stands between me and getting out of a cockroach infested apartment, all that's between me and being able to own a car, be at family functions, and have a relationship with whomever I chose without worrying about how the electric is going to stay on and what we will be able to eat. It's what stands between me and being able to one day be a mother whose kids are well taken care of. You best believe I am going to destroy these classes. Amy "Give Me My A" is going back to school on a mission to get a better life for herself and her future family. Look out education system!

Maybe it's taken all of this for me to realize what I am fighting for. It's not just a job. It's getting up each day and being valued for all that I am, not just what someone wants from me. Thus begins my journey into a "family friendly" career, one that fits me just right. Baby, I don't know you, but I love you. And I am doing this for us. See you soon.

Ghettofabulous

She watches the roaches dance
Upside down on her ceiling
Playing solitary
Cause the one tv channel is boring

She waits for the boys
To get done working
To play darts and watch them drinking
She doesn't count the beer cans

She stays up late
With the boy down the street
No promises to keep
Just pizza and friendship

She stands on the side of the pool
As the children come out before she jumps in
She is a sea turtle, a seal, a mermaid
Her mind resets itself

She hopes one day to own a car
To fall in love, to be fat with children
For now, she's her own hero
Because no one else is here.