Being intentional

One of my best friends came and visited me yesterday. Spending the whole day with her was so much fun. We gardened, attended a talk on creation care at the local Friends church, and packed the remainder of my room up for the big move on Saturday. We talked about men, life, healing, as well as our struggles and triumphs. I felt truly loved and honored in her presence, and I was reminded why this woman is so close to my heart. She understands my heart. After years, I can stand in front of her with my heart open and not fear that she will hurt it. I love what has developed between us.

I live in a culture of instant gratification. Learning to be counter culture to this has been a bit difficult. My first tendency is always toward immediacy. "I want it now," or "I want to know how long it will take to be there," seem to be consistent themes in my thinking. Learning contentment has come slowly and is still something I struggle with. Being with my bud yesterday confirmed something in my soul...something I have long suspected but only recently really developed in my thinking.

Everything good in life takes time to develop, mature, and be fruitful. I can know how I feel about someone in an instant, but unless we both put in the time to work on our relationship, to forgive the hurts that we inevitably cause to one another when our paradigms collide, relationship will not be developed. Love, community, family, all of these are a result of an intentional effort to make another a part of my life, to be connected to someone who is the same but different than me. Sometimes, the differences get the better of me, and I want to break relationship as a result. Other times, I am overwhelmed with how similar I am to the other in front of me, and there seems to be nothing that differentiates us.

My dad says, "Hard work is the great equalizer." My business professors told me, "If the principle is true in business it is true in your personal life, and you can apply it there." So, hard work then is what makes a successful relationship. There is that initial attraction, that falling in love, crazy, out of control desire, yes. But in order to make it last, both parties have to work at being friends as well as lovers. Both people have to be intentional about their goals, their dreams, and honoring the other in the relationship as well as themselves. And if they are not going in the same direction, like two companies considering a merger, they need to respect one another enough to give up and find a more compatible partner, or else one person (or both) must change their life course to make it work.

We as a culture are so intentional in business. If we are smart, we are intentional about our health, the cars we drive, our technology, and the food we eat. We are intentional about the tv we watch. But when it comes to our families, our futures, how intentional are we with our dating process? Are we seeking someone we can spend the rest of our lives enjoying and building with, or are we simply after whatever we can get right now or what looks best "parked in our drive-way?"

I know I have been intentional with filling my life with good people as friends, in my hobbies and my educational pursuits. I have been intentional when it comes to networking, to financial goals, and to making exercise a part of my daily existence. But when it comes to relationships, I might as well have been walking around with a blindfold on. The thing is, whom you chose to spend your time with right now will impact the rest of your life. We are a part of one another, and we cannot help but either move closer to or away from what we experience. To be unmoved is apathy, and it just isn't something that's really a part of my character. So, I can chose to surround myself with people who are like minded, going somewhere with their lives, setting goals to accomplish their dreams, or I can chose to sit by and pretend I am a victim of my own life. But I am not. None of us are. We make our choices, make the best of the cards that are dealt to us; and if we are smart, we learn and grow and prepare for the next hand.

Being intentional means preparing for what I want in my life as well as chasing my goals and dreams. Do I do this perfectly? Heavens no! Each day I am getting better at it. I am saying no more quickly to things I don't want in my life. I am letting friends and family gently point me toward better solutions to problems I face. I am living from my values as best I can today knowing that it is a process. Life is a process. This isn't an instant thing, being healthy in my soul. Rather, it is learning what I want, what I don't want, and what I can do about it. It is taking the steps one day at a time, knowing that I will never arrive. Rather, I am learning to be healthy in this moment in hopes that the next moment will be healthier still. I am learning to be intentional with my soul, to honor myself.

And you know something? It feels good. My soul feels good these days.

May your soul thrive as you live from the core of who you are one day at a time on this beautiful journey of life. I honor God within you.

Dark Side of the Moon

Dating is a lot like being in limbo. Nothing is clearly defined. You know the other person is attracted to you on some level, but what level that is might be beyond your scope or imagination.

And then there are the times you just really don't want to know how the other person feels or what they are thinking. I am finding that oversharing can kill the bond maybe even more quickly than under sharing can. Yep, there are no two ways about it, this dating thing is hard work.

I like to think that one day, I will be good enough at it to refuse a bad date before it even happens. And maybe one day, I will be so amazing at dating, that I will actually go on a date with my future husband. But for now, I am just trying to detect quality men.

To tell you the truth, I am a little intimidated by a man who takes care of himself, has his career figured out, knows what he wants in life and how to get it and loves the Lord. I am afraid that I won't be good enough for him, that he'll see my life is a work in progress and run for the hills, never to look back for fear he will turn like Lot's wife into a salty snack for the nearby livestock. I don't know how to handle a healthy relationship, and I don't want to lose someone terrific because I made a stupid mistake.

When I feel like this, I remember the beautiful character I see in Jesus. He loves me because I am, not for what I do. He knows my path, all the people I will meet and the dates I will go on before I commit my life to another soul. He is not shocked by my failures thus far, nor is he intimidated by the failings of my future. Rather he knows there will always be imperfections in my life as surly as there are weeds in the garden. And we will deal with them all one by one, striving to reach the root so that what is fruitful in my soul can be nourished properly.

When I think about it that way, it makes talking to people who love Jesus and have things in common with me less difficult. Who knows? Maybe it will lead to a date or further. The important thing is, I am learning that I am worth more than I have believed. I am worth protecting, loving, and providing for. I can be confident in knowing that I don't have to settle for less than what I want in this life. He is still the God of more than enough. I don't have to fear. He knows my needs.

Try to love again

Well, folks, I am about three quarters packed for my new abode. I am reusing boxes that have laid vacant under my bed for the past two years in anticipation of this day. It's funny the things I save. I am finding that I may have some more sorting to do once I finally do move into my new place. For now, most everything in my room is going into boxes (mostly barring the title "books") without much thought of what stays and what goes. I'm doing sorting of a different kind in my life.

I joined OKCupid about a month ago. I started seeing one guy pretty intensely there for a time. The thing is, it was just too much too fast. So I backed way off, and I am diversifying again. Apparently, I needed to revisit the insights of Venus and Mars on a Date, one of the many books I own that I highly recommend to all my single ladies. In it, author John Gray discusses the five stages of dating: attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement. I have been going from attraction right into intimacy for as long as I can remember. This is not a good plan for long term success. But I don't feel bad about it. Rather, I am learning from my mistakes.

I am rereading this book, and I am finding that mistakes are a part of dating. We try and see if this person is someone whom we like, whom we might be able to love, whom we might want to spend the rest of our lives with. Each time we get a no, we adjust our approach, try to be more observant so as not to run into the same problems again, and move on. Eventually, we will succeed in finding the love of our life. There is no need to worry or fear, just be smart and use both our brains and hearts.

So, I am evaluating each person, trying to ask pivotal questions, and making sure that I enjoy all the stages of dating. If it gets too intense, I dial it back and try again. There is no need to worry. Everything will be ok, and one day I too will get my happily ever after. Everything worth having in this life takes hard work. Our dreams inspire us to do the work in the first place. Without working for our dreams, they are little more than fantasies. Don't be afraid to fail in pursuit of your dreams. Try to love again. Who knows? The next one might be the keep you forever kind. And know that you're not alone in this grand adventure of dating. I am out here too.

Love you all,
Amy

Staying safe while moving out

I will be moving into my own apartment soon. Seems like yesterday I was gathering all my stuff together in preparation for what to me marked the beginning of my adult life: having my own place. That was nine years ago, and in all that time I have lived by myself for 3 days and 3 months. This will be my third attempt to manage living solo, and I hope my efforts are finally rewarded.

I had a bit of a freak out yesterday. Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between past and present. I took a deep breath, cried a bit, got real honest with the guy I am dating, and found an app to help keep me safe.

The app is called circle of six and can be found at www.circleof6app.com. The app is easy to use and helps to keep young women safe when out on dates, trying to get home, and navigating relationships. It even has links to hotlines in case the worse happens. I don't think I will have to use it, but being safe is a priority when it comes to living on my own.

I think anyone who is dating should have this app personally. As my boss says, "There are just way too many freak shows out there." I feel better knowing I have people backing me up, that I am not alone in life. Hopefully, this will be a great new adventure. Adding a lifeline, well that's just how smart girls do single.