A basement in an old church
Filled with young mothers
And wrinkled, clumsy old crocheters
Female, beautiful and unashamed
A coffee shop in an old house
Filled with eclectic artists
And music, poetry, laughter
Creative, powerful and untamed
A garden in an old plot
Filled with would-be green thumbs
And weeds, tomatoes, dinner
Nature, glorious and unafraid
A heart in a good friend
Filled with generous support
And wisdom, questions, hunger
Unity, wonderful and unrestrained
I watch you ingest your poison
Loving the feelings of the buzz
Melting through your veins
I have sat in awe of your beauty
The music, poetry floating over me
One more substance, layers of youth
You have less than me
And always have
You want them all to be happy
You're beautiful
You really love people
You kept me safe, alive last night
How I wish you knew life
How I wish someone could show you
How I hate these poisons that kill you
I witness your greatness and tragedy
Mixed together in harmony
And love you just the same
Don't mind me
I have seen too much
The testimony chokes my throat
Play me another song
I can get lost in the music
Until you're poisoned again
To everything there is a season, and this is definitely my season of singleness. I have tried to wiggle out of it like a snake shedding its skin, yet I am finding the more I embrace the season, the more blessings I recognize within it. Therefore, in an attempt to remind myself of the good as well as encourage my single friends to recognize the abundance and beauty that is in their own lives, I am composing this list.
1) Time spent with the family I already have
2) Being able to participate in any activity I want, budget and work schedule allowing
3) Not having to feed anyone else meals (as in, cereal is just fine for dinner on days when I have no energy)
4) Getting to know all sorts of interesting people while dating
5) Grocery shopping alone
6) Planning vacation without having to make anyone else happy or think about little people
7) Quiet time alone at home
8) Working out in my living room without being interrupted
9) Showering, cleaning, reading, and engaging in other activities, including phone conversations, without being interrupted
10) Getting to know and love myself
There are reasons to be thankful in every season of life. What are you thankful for in this season you find yourself in?
Beloved,
I want you to know that my heart is for you even as I am afraid of beginning a life with you. I have experienced the disappointment of a poorly chosen mate, known the terrors of domestic abuse, and am still coaxing my heart to open to the possibility of love. Nevertheless, I have come to genuinely love myself, and I want to love you too. I know I will learn how as we get closer to each other.
Darling, your character is of utmost importance to me. I don't care how much money you make, where you live, or what you look like. What matters to me is that you are a man of integrity. I care that your word is your bond, that if you promise you'll do something, you follow through. It matters to me that you honor and respect my family and those who are close to me. I want you to be courteous to them, appreciating the care they've shown me even before we knew each other. Your generous spirit matters to me. The sacrifices you make so others can have what they need mean more to me than anything money can buy.
Dear one, I am after your heart. I want to be united with someone whom I can respect and adore. You must know that I fell in love with the character of Jesus long ago and have since been striving to live a life that reflects His beautiful character. Yes, I have messed it up, but the grace I find helps me to go on.
I want our relationship to reflect that grace. So for now, I wait for you. I date, I pray, I fill my days with love and life as best I can, and I ask God to be gracious and prepare us for each other.
I don't know where you are at in life, but I have always loved you. I trust God's timing to bring our paths together, and believe that He is faithful to both of us. I chose to love you for what doesn't change, your character.
And I am happy to wait for you.
Your bride,
Amy
Gender roles frustrated me as of late. Let me break it down for you like this.
When the alarm goes off, I get out of bed, throw my sheets and blankets back on the bed, turn on the coffee pot, make breakfast, pack lunch, get dressed, and read a devotional. (Female).
I then walk to work, stand on my feet all day playing with knives, fire, power tools, and moving objects that are up to fifty pounds in a job traditionally held by men like Escofier. (Male).
I come home, do my dishes, the laundry, clean my house, buy groceries and household items. I even garden, paint, and crochet. (Female).
But I also plan fun times for myself. I take myself to the movies, out to eat at a favorite restaurant, pursue friendships and education. Heck, I am paying all my bills with my own paycheck. (Male).
Dear people who complain about gender roles in other people's relationships, SHUT Up! At least they have someone to help do all this stuff. Gender roles are nothing more than a prescribed way of doing life passed down by society. But everyone gets to decide for themselves how they are going to live their lives now. So enjoy it.
As for me, all this switching between male and female roles has taught me that I am strong, brave, and able to do more than I previously believed. Hell yes, I still want a partner, but one in the true sense of the word. I want someone who appreciates both my strength and beauty and who is on my team. Because you know I am going to be googly eyed over his gorgeous self and strength. And I will be on his team too.
It doesn't matter who has what body part. What matters is how well we all fit together. Now get out there and play nice in the sandbox.
<3
We had coffee together for the first time tonight. I always enjoy his company. (You know who you are, so don't be shy.) He is intelligent, witty, full of great stories, adventurous, and just as likely to rabbit trail as I am. I adore his sister, and I consider him a friend.
But something he said got my brain working. (If you see smoke, the emergency exits are located to the sides and front of the plane.) He was talking about being "friend zoned."
Or has he been?
I have had friendships that have turned into something more. Sometimes, I haven't even explored my feelings for a guy in that way until he makes it clear he's interested. I can be just as oblivious as a dude about the signs. I either run the risk of appearing too vain (gosh, why wouldn't you be interested in me? I am such great company AND gorgeous to boot!), or I get knocked in the head by a ball from way out in left field (You like me? All this time, I thought I was just being funny by stealing your nachos. But, seriously...do you have more nachos?). Either way, there's always that very real risk when getting friendly with a potential partner that it's either too much or not enough.
So, what are we to do who find ourselves not quite sure, but really hoping that maybe, just maybe, you might feel the same about me? Well, for whatever it's worth, here's what I do. And yes, I am single still, but I know what not to do, so I am hoping if I just do the opposite of everything I have done wrong in the past, it will all work out in the end. For your derision, my short list during the early stages of dating.
1) Find out if your intended is single, playing the field, or in a relationship. (Dear idiot, walk away if they are in a relationship. Ain't nobody got time for that.)
2) Get to know them sober and figure out if you can stand their presence. Some people look better when they are drunk, some worse. But hopefully they aren't always drunk because that's just awkward.
3) Observation is key. My therapist (you should get one, darling. They're all the rage in Fresno) says that the way a person does one thing in life is generally a good indicator of how they will do all things. So, how are they with friends, family, finances, in grooming habits. How do they complete their work, talk about their experiences? And can you deal with this your whole life through (or as long as you both shall date or be in the same room together)? If the answer is no, your "buddy" has got to go.
4) State your purpose. What are you after? Are they on the same page? Be honest. Be polite. And be real. If you want a roll in the hay and your intended is looking for marriage (or at least trying to move in that direction), don't waste each other's time, eh? I know that I personally want to be seriously seeing someone who wants a family with me. I won't settle for less than that, which is why I am still single.
5) Don't sleep with anyone until you both have agreed on the way it's going down. The morning after is no time to discuss sexually transmitted infections, the morning after pill, relationship status, or anything else involved. That's keeping it simple, children. Not doing so is a good way to permanently mess up your life, the other person's life, and a host of unnamed others. A goodnight kiss is keeping it simple. An argument could be made for a handshake, but I am not going to take it that far. (I happen to enjoy a kiss every now and again.)
Well, that's my take on taking it out of the friends zone. I hope it helps. Pursuit is key. So keep going after your dream, whatever it is.
Remember, good loving is like cooking- part science, part art, part skill, part timing, part Murphy being happy with you (luck). May your life be filled with love in all its forms, and may you realize how lucky you are to have friends cool enough to consider dating in the first place. That's winning at life!
All the best,
Amy
Abstinence is a self-enforced restraint from indulging in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. Most frequently, the term refers to sexual abstinence, or abstinence fromalcohol or food. The practice can arise from religious prohibitions and practical considerations. -from Wikipedia
It's strange how I got here. I am not known for my incredible self-restraint. Rather, I rush full force into life, afraid that I might miss out if I don't grab this opportunity in front of me right now. Try as I might, I find I lose more of myself than I gain when I haphazardly throw caution to the wind and push all my chips to the middle of the table.
And then there were the panic attacks. The shaking of my entire frame, shortness of breath, crying because I don't know why, and feeling like ending it all would be better than the pain. Memories are tied to acts for me. Sometimes it feels as if history is once again caught on the needle of time, and I am forced to relive my darkness over and over again.
Then he said I had a choice. I could admit how out of control it all was, seek out healthier people, better coping skills, and build something beautiful day by day; OR I could continue to live in the self imposed prison of last week's lover and alcoholic day dreaming. I could try to control everyone around me, or I could let them take responsibility for their own lives and begin to live mine.
I have come to realize that abstinence is my friend. It's not because I deam these desires grotesque or unmerited. Nor is it from a sense of obligation or religious fervour that I have chosen not to indulge. My abstaining is simply self preservation at this point. I want to be well, to be around for the long run, to have a beautiful life. I can't do that caught in the throes of another flash back.
In this season of purification of my mind, I hope to find that to the pure all things are pure. I hope to learn how to let go of what was never mine to begin with. I hope to discover how to love without harming myself or others. And I hope to see God. When I am at my most peaceful, I see Him in everything around me. There is beauty to be known in the letting go.
May you find that beauty in your own life today.
Everyone who knows me in real life knows that I am a bit different. My sister Natalie says that things are either the best day ever or the worst day of my life depending on what the situation and my mood is. To be sure, I have an extreme personality. But I also struggle with mental illness, one of them called clinical depression.
It helps me to talk about it. One of the hallmarks of this illness is feeling isolated and alone. There have been times in my life where I have purposefully shut people out or withdrawn or found a way to make them run from me because I had so much pain inside and I didn't want to infect them with it. I fear hurting people and being unloved at the same time. It helps me to remind myself that people are on my side, fighting for me if only I will let them. I am still learning how to let them.
Having clinical depression is different than going through a rough patch. There are days when nothing is going wrong in my world, and I will just implode. There's usually one sad thought that I can't shake and I am terrified to share. From there, I do things to distract myself from the thought instead of deal with it and keep getting sadder. Finally, the pain is too much, and I want to end it by killing myself. Sometimes, the sorrow comes out of the blue from past events that I haven't dealt with yet. That's my side order of PTSD. It gets triggered a lot.
Writing about it helps. Going out in public helps. Exercising, doing things I enjoy, and therapy help. Some people use medication or electro shock therapy to fight their depression. I am desperately trying to stay off the drugs. I don't want to deal with the side effects because I already have enough trouble with my body.
I don't want anyone's pitty. I just don't always know how to ask for help. For example, today when I got home from work, I shut my door and cried, journaled, and put myself to bed to keep from harming myself. When I woke up, I didn't feel spectacular, so I went on a run. Both my best friends contacted me, and another friend and I made plans for tomorrow. I really needed plans for tomorrow. By then, I felt like myself again. But this has been going on for a week. And it does effect all areas of my life.
I have been working my treatment plan desperately and created a safety plan at work with my boss this week to try to combat it. It's been a rough week at work for everyone, but my illness blew it up way out of proportion. I feel bad about that, and I wish I could redo a lot of moments in my life when I have been out of control.
Wellness for me will look like being able to take things in stride, being an active part of the world around me, and remembering to embrace those I love. It will look like not pushing people away anymore and being able to stand up for myself in the moment. Clinical depression is treatable, so I have hope. I just have to remind myself of this when I can't remember and I want the pain to end. I don't want to lose this battle.
This isn't the same as being sad. If this sounds familiar to you, I urge you to seek treatment. And if not, please have compassion for people around you. You never know what people face, and we all deal with life differently. Kindness is a language anyone can understand. I am still learning it. Let's practice together.
Lots of love.
You won't return
I sent you far from me
By asking you to stand and claim me
Can you tell me why I am haunted
By the remembrance of your kiss?
He writes the most beautiful letters
And awaits my return to his Rose city
He says hello every day
And isn't afraid of me
Calls me lovely
Why do I crave you?
Why can't my heart let go?
I should be rejoicing at seeing him,
But all I can think of is you.
Never mind.
I will go through this day without you.
I will tell myself all is well.
I will find beauty in the common.
And one day, the remembrance of you
Won't knock me sideways,
Steal my breath, and place a lump in my throat.
One day, I will forget to love you.
I will learn to want what's good for me.
Today, I still love and want you.
I don't often go to church. There was a time in my life where I basically lived there. I would volunteer to clean, help with children's ministry, lead worship, host potlucks, and sit in prayer for hours. Some of my friends find church boring, but I have never been bored by it. It's always held a fascination for me. From the cathedrals of the Catholic church where my earliest memories of worship were formed to the hip, catered and carefully lit room I just left a few hours ago, sacred gatherings have been a source of comfort to me.
But I don't agree with all the dogma, and I rarely attend these days.
One night when I was praying in one of these sacred places, I went to the window looking out over the central bus station of the city. I watched the mass of humanity coming and going, and I realized I was missing them. I had always been told Jesus died to save humanity, but I was cut off from them. It's been a slow dance back to dwelling among people.
Why I love Jesus is because He "became flesh and made His dwelling among us." He became a Jew, with a funny nose and short stature. He was born out of wedlock. He was a blue collar worker like me. He was homeless for the duration of his ministry. He used mud to heal people, playing in the dirt to save a woman's life long before women's rights was being talked about, and taught theology to an outcast of society (also a woman) at a well. He was common, marginalized, unconventional, brilliant, controversial, and polarizing. He was also compassionate and forgiving when he had no reason to be. I am in love with this man's character and have been as long as I can remember.
Jesus is not a God for the perfect. He didn't come as perfect. He came as imperfectly as humanly possible. He didn't do it right. He died instead of leading a revolution and discharging Rome like Messiah was supposed to. I can love a God who loves and wants me in my imperfections. I can love a God who helps me when I cannot help myself. I can love a God who doesn't condemn me.
Because He loved me first, and yes, there's been evidence in my life to back that up.
I don't go to church often. I like to think that Jesus is still dwelling among us. Common, imperfect, beautiful. I choose to be among "them." That's where I find Jesus.
Yesterday, the kitchen flooded. And then we had no water to cook with from late afternoon until close. Not on the first floor anyway. There was water downstairs and upstairs, so we used that to clean and cook with. We served dinner on paper and plastic plates and utensils. We improvised.
Today, my first clue should have been the lemons my boss gave me. I squeezed lemonade by hand as my first task, but nobody was thirsty for lemonade on a rainy Oregon day. And then, halfway through lunch, my helper had an emergency and had to leave. I didn't have dinner prepped out yet or anything done for Sunday lunch. Anyone who works in food will tell you Sunday lunch is our busiest meal. People get crazy after listening to sermons. I don't know why.
So, I made lemonade all day long. My boss wanted to call someone in. Instead, he worked alongside me. My friend staid an hour late to help, and I ended up leaving only half an hour late. I learned today that I am stronger than I think when it comes to the kitchen if I can just stay calm. I learned that I know my quantities better than I think, and I shouldn't let others question it. I also learned that I am starting to get the timing of this dance called cooking down. It was a bit off today, but I knew it and was able to fudge enough with my boss's help that none of the residents did.
Tomorrow is my Wednesday, and I hope it goes better. My Sous Chef always tells me, "If it were easy, everyone would do it." He's right. I have been complaining lately because it felt too easy. Now I know to just to wait a week. The challenge will come again without fail. It's just what you do with those lemons that determines how it all ends up. I want to try to make something delicious out of them.
Lemonade, anyone?
I used to think there was no such thing. How could you love the wrong person? How could loving ever be wrong?
But over the years I have loved many a wrong person. They all had something I needed. One was tender, kind, and danced with me as I cooked. Another taught me just to be again, to talk about what I needed, and to not fear my desires and needs. Most recently, he was kind, generous, funny, a constant support to me. All have been in a different life stage than me, with different life goals and miles to go before we could meet at some equal point. And my heart breaks because I do love. But one day, it won't be me forcing anything, or hoping for change.
I am glad for each one. All were dear friends, all are missed. But I want to live now, and if that means going it alone and finding my own strength for now, it's ok. I am still open to love, I just want it to be right next time.
Hello, world. You don't scare me anymore. Nor does traveling through you alone because there are other beautiful people to meet and adventures to be had. May you know that you are loved and stronger than you think.
I have been seeing these memes floating around Facebook about your girlfriend not knowing what she wants to eat, or her favorite restaurant being, "I don't care." As a woman who loves food and likes to eat, can I just say, I have a few thoughts here.
First of all, if I ever tell you I don't know or I don't care where we eat, it's because I am a cook. I think about food 24/7. I actually do dream about it. Sometimes, I don't want to have to decide yet again for the hungry populous what will be consumed. I just want to sit down with the people I love and relax.
Other times, I know what I don't want to eat. I will NEVER ask you to take me to Shari's, McDonald's, or ice cream. The first two are because I have a rule. I don't want to eat food that I can do a better job cooking than the final product I am served.The last is because I have 45 dietary restrictions, and lactose accounts for a large portion of them. The moral, friends, is to know the person you're with even if they are giving you the freedom to choose the establishment.
Finally, sometimes I just want someone to do something special for me. I want you to pick someplace we can enjoy together. It means I trust your judgement, and I would like you to pamper me, please. It means I don't always have to be in control. Take the compliment, ok?
Lastly, don't be surprised if I have five suggestions of where I would like to eat nine times out of ten. I am still a girl who loves food. Expecting me to say I don't know what I want to eat is setting yourself up for failure in my case. And please, never order for me. This chick likes to taste everything. That's why I became a cook in the first place.
Happy eating with your sweetie.
My hands look older than they should. There's the scar on my right hand from dropping a knife on it while I was cleaning, a burn mark on my left from getting too close to hot metal as I was taking food out to the line, dry skin from the constant washing and sanitizing of my hands and the stainless steel world I am most at home in. My hands speak of the manuel labour that I love, the heat of the kitchen I can't get enough of.
The way I eat has changed too. I used to plan elaborate meals for every day of the week. Now, most of my money goes back into my beloved food industry. Or, I will eat cereal, popcorn, a sandwich, anything quick and easy because my feet are sore, my belly is growling, and I have poured all my creative energy into someone else's meal.
I am not upset about it. I love what I do. There are certain things I have surrendered to in this pursuit of this passion. But I think that is what love is. It's a giving over of one's self to something or someone and a willingness to let that surrender change and shape the self. Some of the ways we are transformed are our own choice. I could choose to plan meals and stick to them, but I don't generally. Other things, like the way my hands look, well, those are a gift love has bestowed upon me.
The question then becomes, am I willing to surrender to this person, this experience, this passion and allow it to change me, or is the price too high to pay? Each one of us is confronted with this question whenever we fall in love with anything in our life. For love to grow, it must be nurtured. And in that nurturing comes the surrender.
For me, being in love with feeding people has been frustrating, agonizing, painful, beautiful, gratifying, and worthwhile. There is meaning in it, even though the paycheck is small and the demands are huge. I wouldn't trade this for an easier path because I love it. I hope you feel the same about whatever you decide is worth surrendering to.
I have been multi tasking this morning. Trying to clean a pan, I put some water in it and turned on the burner. I walked away to continue cleaning my bedroom. When I came back out, the wrong burner was on and my pot holder was on fire. Note to self, multi task with other kitchen projects. My house is still standing, and only my pride and pot holder were injured in the making of this blog.
The pastor says something I've heard so many times it's common to me. "Repentance means to think in a new way." I have not known how to do this new thinking until recently. Maybe some of us need life spelled out a bit clearer than a half hour on Sunday provides for.
My therapist put it to me this way. The brain has habitual thoughts. If you can catch the negative ones and replace them with positive ones, you can change your outlook on life.
I have also been listening to a book on tape called, "Emotional Awareness: Overcoming the Obstacles to Psychological Balance and Compassion" by The Dalai Lana and Paul Roman, PH.D. Dr Roman has spent his career studying the human face and the signals it makes when someone has an emotion. He and the Dalai Lana both agree that happiness is not determined by wealth but is a conscious state of mind we can all achieve if we would only pay attention to our emotions. I think the Apostle Paul calls it, "taking every thought captive."
This morning when I woke up with a sinking feeling, I realized I was safe, I had what I needed, and I told myself, "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." When I feel like a failure and that nothing I do matters, I tell myself, "I am building something beautiful. This is not a waste of time." When I feel like the world is ending, I reassure myself that, "I am safe. This is just a part of my healing process."
It takes a lot of focus, but it's getting easier every day. Maybe one day it will be automatic, but that is a while from now. For now, I am learning to repent. It's a process worth undertaking. It brings me back to life.
I am sitting in bed watching the snow fall down outside my window trying not to panic, become clingy, or slip into darkness. I love the snow, but it also reminds me of the worst time in my life. That was seven years ago, and I am still working baby step by baby step to cure the trauma.
I started seeing someone new too. He gave me a gift for my birthday, but I haven't heard from him for a day and a half. Normally, I would have called or texted or SOMETHING at this point, but my therapist and I came up with a plan so I don't look like a crazy person when it comes to dating. He said wait three days, then check in. I hate waiting.
My life right now consists of plans for everything. I plan hobbies three times a week, exercise three times a week, being with people four times a week, meals, and getting out of debt. There is a list on my refrigerator of people to call when I can't stop crying and a safety plan next to it for conducting my dating life. Everything right now is planned because it has to be. If I don't plan it, it won't happen. Even if I do plan it, it still may not happen.
This is what my depression/ trauma looks like. I still love to laugh, still enjoy being with people, still want a family. I just have to be strict with myself and tell myself it will be ok. Stick to the plan. I have to remind myself of the good things I have already accomplished in life: graduating university, getting out of credit card debt, maintaining my own apartment for seven months, paying down or off other old debts, holding down a job and stepping up in that job. I don't want this thing to cripple me.
And yes, I still have outbursts at work. I still forget things. There are times I am still in a little ball on the floor, but that's when I start to work my plan and this becomes more manageable. Not fixed, just livable.
Snow reminds me of the best and the worst times. But I want to stay, to live on. Because there is life buried under all that white frozenness, and I mean to watch it burst into bloom. There is life buried under my depression, deeper than my trauma and I mean to let it through. Until then, I am sticking to my plans.
