Daughter

Flash of light
Small hands and smile bright
Those cocoa eyes
Gazing back at me
Little pink dress
Curtsey and impress
That you are mine on me
I haven't met you yet
Beautiful baby girl
But I saw your face
This morning as I dozed in my bed

I am single
There's no one in the picture right now
Yet you haunt me, my little one
I want you to have a good Daddy
Just like I do
Someone who will show you
How men are meant to be
And to keep you safe and happy
I want you to learn from us
Loving someone is worth the rain
I never want you to worry
About being unloved or alone

So I say a prayer
For your Daddy to come soon
Because I am excited to meet
Both of you
To love you with my whole heart
Baby girl, you've been wanted
From the start
This journey to you
Has been hard
But you are worth it to me
I love you.
Your momma will always love you.

Rough Sketches

I've been noticing little people a lot lately. They bring me comfort and peace by their mere presence.
As I waited for my counseling intake appointment, a little boy flew his toy airplane through the air next to me, used the ground as his airport, and looked up at me with his blue eyes from under my chair, playing peak-a-boo. I admired his calm, and I realized it was all going to be ok.
At the dentist, big brother was crying as I waited to get my teeth examined before being cleaned. Little brother kept turning around, smiling, and staring at me. Do people know how beautiful they are when they stare at something or someone they find beautiful? They light up like Christmas trees, and to me it is the most beautiful sight in all the world. I am still in awe when ever children look at me that way. I think it's sacred, this unconditional love children have not learned to squelch yet.
I biked to Fred Meyer's Friday to restock some supplies, and found a bench next to a table with a mom and son team selling overpriced popcorn for Cub Scouts camp. As I ate my sushi, a little girl in adorably oversized glasses came out of the building with her parents who were immediately solicited by the young man on a mission to please his mother and win his rightful place among the few, the proud, the camping. She just stopped and stared. The little girl wiggle came, that nervous laugh and shy smile that seems always to accompany the hope that maybe, just maybe he feels the same way too. And I wonder if we're all so obvious, or if the cool we think we develop as we get older is not a facade to something children don't have to be taught. Beautiful people are everywhere.
I look up at the stars one more time, and I wonder if it ever bothered him, Sarah's laughing as he took a journey towards a land he could not see for a child he had yet to hold. Abraham's story haunts me. What is it to live every day faithfully with a promise burning in your heart? I watch the children and I know they are a promise to me. He still is faithful to his word no matter how many times I think I can do it better, do it right. As Melody says, "God's A plan is still in motion. His heart is for you, toward you." Children are the embodiment of that hope. So in all these things, I won't lose heart. It's just a rough sketch of the beauty that is to come from the God who is, who was, and always will be faithful and true.

Not an event

"Intimacy is a process, not an event," my dad said to me over the phone as we talked about all that's gone wrong in my dating life this last month (ok, lifetime...but really, who's counting?). Surprisingly, my dad's advice and wisdom seem to get better with age and distance, like a fine wine that needs time and air to complete its transformation into an epic romance. Yep, he's one smart man, my dad.

So here's what I am learning about the process. It's slow. You can want something to work out yesterday, but unless you're willing to wait, to work for it day by day even if you're not exactly sure what you're working for, you'll never achieve your goal. That may mean saying no to something right now because it won't work in the long run, spending another night alone because dating someone you have to settle for is settling for less than yourself, or getting your butt to therapy, the gymn, the doctor, the dentist or your best friend's house to be the healthiest you. Hey lady, if you don't want broken men, why do you think the "man of your dreams" would?

It takes dedication. What do you value? How do you see yourself? And what are you doing about it? Looking in the mirror and holding yourself accountable is never easy, but it's the only way lasting growth can occur. It's also the only way you can maintain your health. It's a lot harder to repair the damage than to avoid it in the first place. Please trust me on this one and be dedicated to your own self care and saying no to things that will hurt you or just don't feel right to you.

It takes community. People who want to be a part of your life for the long run won't always see eye to eye. Some of them may not even like each other. But if they are worth holding onto, they won't devalue the other healthy relationships you have in your life or encourage you to throw in the towel on good relationships when things go amiss as they most certainly will. They will help you through it and encourage you to find the good in the situation. They will also alert you to the errors you're prone to and point you to healthier choices and people. Everyone needs the support of community. We're not meant to go it alone in this life.

I am taking my own advice. There are a lot of unhealthy habits I have to kick in my life. I am getting help, but I know a lot of the problems were created by me, and I am going to have to be the one to fix them. I am not running from them anymore. Instead, I am learning to embrace the process every day in hopes that one day, I won't come home to an empty apartment. Instead, I will be greeted by my husband and our children. It's my dream. It's a small one, but it's the one I hold most dear. Until then, I will be leaning into the process and holding onto hope. And once I am there, I will be practicing what I am learning now.

May you find joy in your process.

Character

Formed by my everyday choices, who I am, what I get out of life, what I give, all of it composing my character. We watch and wait for a long, long time, never knowing what tomorrow will bring us. Only this hope-union, love, belonging, significance, meaning, purpose. And so we reach out a hand, offer a smile, interact for a moment for the sole purpose of belonging.

Maybe tomorrow, maybe today, maybe somewhere in the past we can take comfort in the knowledge that we have found home with another human soul.

I am waiting for someone to claim me as their own even while my heart screams life would be much easier for me if I were just to forsake this dream altogether. It's funny; I used to look for someone to be "Jesus with skin on" to me. Now, I am just looking for companionship and "a lover who won't drive me crazy." In these changed expectations, these uncertain and upheaved times, I am still looking for his face. I have decided just being friends and having fun is a better approach than running the gamut of the barnyard asking, "Are you my lover?"

Rain makes me remember that one is a whole number, that all is not lost, and that all things are beautiful in their time.

The ghosts of lovers past move in and out of my heart like the breeze playing with the curtains on a warm summer's day. But on this first day of Autumn,summer's breeze can only be a pleasant memory, a promise of next year's abundance. With all these memories, I must put behind me those who never could be cognizant of all I am. Foreign places are now familiar comforts reminding me that though we are strangers, you will be my fortress and I your home one day.

These values of mine keep me separate from my generation. My timidity keeps me caged from sharing these thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Rejection's bite still tingles on my heart the way my burn scaths my hand when I touch it, although it is healing. I am healing.

There are moments when I don't even think about the pain, moments when all I see is joy, beauty, and love. I live for those moments. I cannot always create them, but I cherish them.

Can I trust that You want me to belong more than I do, that You know how all of this comes about? Can I trust that You created my heart to hunger for this because You wanted to fill that hunger? Do I have faith to believe that You will guide me to the place of completion?

Let go, little heart. Free fall into grace. Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. There is more to today than meets the eye. Rest. All is well.

Be prepared

This morning, I had no milk for my cereal, no cream for my coffee, no eggs in my refrigerator, and no inclination to go grocery shopping before breakfast. I worked 40 hours in four days this weekend doing catering, and the last thing I want to do this morning is cook. So I walked down to Coffee Cottage, grabbed a snowdrift scone and a drip coffee, and sat down at Hoover Park for breakfast with a view. This kind of unplanned meal indulgence happens rarely in my world, and I must say, I enjoy it quite a bit because it is such a special treat.

A friend asked me recently, "What's your best advice for busy people trying to eat well on a budget?" I have several tips but my number one will always be to prepare.

Professional kitchens are menu driven. Menus are made in advance by chefs. As the day of service draws closer, the chef checks to make sure all the ingredients needed for each menued item are in the kitchen or can be obtained in enough time to prepare the dish. Some items are best when they are served a day or two after they are made; some must be served immediately. And some can be prepped in stages and then served.

So my advice to you is to take your cues from the pros. Plan what you and your family want to eat a week at a time. Go grocery shopping for items to make your food, and then prep items that you can as far in advance as you can to save you time and money throughout the rest of the week. Pre cut your vegetables when possible, freeze dinners if need be, and marinade you meats a day or two in advance. That way it's not, "I have to figure dinner out because I am so hungry I could eat a horse," but instead, "Let's get this baby in the oven, and celebrate life over dinner."

Until next time, happy eating!

The sea and me

It's amazing how when I finally make a commitment in my heart to love everyone, how easily peace flows in. Suddenly, I am unafraid to be myself, to let my heart follow its desires. For so long, I have been afraid that my desires are evil. Now I find that they were really put in my heart to guide me to my best life possible.
Community does not have to be painful. It can simply be the ebb and flow of the tide of love on my heart. There are times to give away when I am so full I could not receive any more. There are times to receive, when I am dry and barren and thirsty for love's embrace. And then there are the between moments, when I am caught in the dance and I don't know who is giving and who is receiving, just that we both are in this moment. This is what love, what family, what community means to me. I open my heart because I am unafraid of being hurt even while I find myself scared at times of what the future may hold.
I have to trust the other and trust myself to know when to give, when to receive, when to dance, and when to walk away or simply wait. But I am finding I can trust myself, and I can trust others. It's just one move at a time. The sea knows. She whispers to me that all these desires will bud into a tree of life. So I watch the tide go out knowing that it's just a matter of time before it comes in again and brings you to me on these shores of hope. I am watching and waiting.

Fiercely Female

"Hello, lady bros," came the greeting through the screen door. Another male popped his head into the bi-weekly meeting of the Firey Feminists last night as a bunch of twenty somethings sat in a large circle of an apartment living room sharing wine, food, and conversation. Last night was my first time attending the meeting, and what I found there was as unexpected as all the men checking in to see if they could join the conversation later in the evening.

I wasn't expecting the outpouring of love, acceptance, and worth that was bestowed on me. I wasn't expecting the overlooking of my foux pas of bringing bread into a gluten free home. When asked about my past, I was not expecting the grace, interest and understanding. The Firey group felt more like love than anything else.

By the end of the night, I found myself laughing like an old friend and genuinely wanting to spend the next evening with the group. To be honest, I was expecting to find a group of bitter, judgmental women. Instead, I found the warm glow of friends. Maybe I am the judgmental one. Maybe I need to learn the art of acceptance of myself and others.

One thing is for sure: I made some wonderful new friends. They are strong working women like me who love life and have so much to offer the world around them. They aren't content sitting on the sidelines either. They want to change their world and be a force for good in it. They want to be seen for people, beautiful individuals that they are. Who could fail to see the beauty in this fiery bunch of friends?