Fiercely Female

"Hello, lady bros," came the greeting through the screen door. Another male popped his head into the bi-weekly meeting of the Firey Feminists last night as a bunch of twenty somethings sat in a large circle of an apartment living room sharing wine, food, and conversation. Last night was my first time attending the meeting, and what I found there was as unexpected as all the men checking in to see if they could join the conversation later in the evening.

I wasn't expecting the outpouring of love, acceptance, and worth that was bestowed on me. I wasn't expecting the overlooking of my foux pas of bringing bread into a gluten free home. When asked about my past, I was not expecting the grace, interest and understanding. The Firey group felt more like love than anything else.

By the end of the night, I found myself laughing like an old friend and genuinely wanting to spend the next evening with the group. To be honest, I was expecting to find a group of bitter, judgmental women. Instead, I found the warm glow of friends. Maybe I am the judgmental one. Maybe I need to learn the art of acceptance of myself and others.

One thing is for sure: I made some wonderful new friends. They are strong working women like me who love life and have so much to offer the world around them. They aren't content sitting on the sidelines either. They want to change their world and be a force for good in it. They want to be seen for people, beautiful individuals that they are. Who could fail to see the beauty in this fiery bunch of friends?

Begin with the end in mind

I have been doing a lot of soul searching as of late. In cooking we have this saying,  "Begin with the end in mind." Also known as mise en plase (or as I like to call it, mess in place), it refers to the need to have all of the ingredients prepped out and ready to rock before beginning the cooking process. That way if the recipe says to immediatly add onions, the cook isn't scambling to cut onions while trying to keep the rest of the food at its optimal point. This is also why the advice is always given to read the recipe through once before even starting to prep for it. That way, you know what you need, how much you need of it, and how long the process will take. Begin with the end in mind.

I have been working through a book about being the right person in my own life so that when the man God has promised to me (and reminded me of constantly for the last four years, thank you prophetic entourage) shows up in my life I will be able to attract and notice him. Being present in my own life has always been a challenge for me because my dreams are so much bigger than I am. Still, if I never acknowledge them and start working towards them, they never will materialize.

My workbook suggested I write a list of all my life goals and slowly build a collection of pictures to symbolize each of my goals throughout the journey. Being a Real Simple reader, I got out my magazines and began to cut pictures that resonate with the dreams I have of the life I want to lead. Something transformative has taken place in the process of glue, scissors, and paper. I am starting to live my goals as naturally as breathing. I think I am starting to believe in the beauty of my own dreams.

I have written out a lifetime's worth of goals. Everything from present aspirations, work, friends, family, and leaving an inheritance are included. It's a beautiful dream, one I hope I can fully realize. The best part is that it's mine. I don't feel like I am faking it anymore. I know what I want, and that may be the hardest part of the process for me. At the end, I want to look Jesus in the eye and say, "We lived a beautiful dream together, you and I." I want him to say back to me, "Your life is scrumptious." That's my well done. And I know it will be wonderful because I will have been present for my life.

May you begin with the end in mind knowing that the dreams in your heart were put there by heaven to invite you to the river of delight. All of my love.

The most important thing you'll ever learn...

Someone asked me recently what is the most important thing I have learned from my past dating experience. I laughed. Do you know how much dating experience I have and how much of it has been disastrous? I could write a book full of dating lessons, what not to do. But the most important one? That's a tough call.

I think it might have actually come today. One of my best friends recommend I read a book titled Calling In The One. It deals with road blocks otherwise successful, well adjusted women put in their way when it comes to dating; the author asks those individuals to take seven weeks of daily practice to go through a lesson and exercise of some kind to help them get in touch with who they are and who they're looking for. Today was about leaving behind past agreements in relationships that hold us back from creating healthy attachments.

I did the exercise, went to work, visited Ace for a little assistance setting up my cockroach mine field, and proceeded home to bag all my food and gleefully annihilate the prehistoric menace. As I was standing astride my sink peering deep into my cabinets with boric acid in hand, my most recent fling text messaged me. He asked about my new place. When I failed to respond immediately, he proceeded to tell me I could be a real heart breaker and to be careful how I use that power. I finally told him I wasn't trying to break his heart and that I was engaged in warfare. I told him that I didn't think we were right for each other. Of course I let him say he wasn't in love with me. You have to be gentle with people.

Sitting at my favorite coffee shop while warding off sparrows from my peanutbutter chocolate pie I bought in honor to the end of yet another possibility, I realized something. The greatest lesson I have learned in dating is to learn something from everyone I have dated. Each one has shown me something about myself I would never have known had they not been in my life. I am thankful for all they have taught me, even if it wasn't love that brought us together.

I have learned a great deal about what works, what doesn't, and am able to say goodbye sooner and in a more honoring way than before. I am learning that sometimes in love, the most valuable gift another soul can give to you is the gift of an honest assessment. Be thankful for those who take interest long enough to show you the beauty of who you are.

Being intentional

One of my best friends came and visited me yesterday. Spending the whole day with her was so much fun. We gardened, attended a talk on creation care at the local Friends church, and packed the remainder of my room up for the big move on Saturday. We talked about men, life, healing, as well as our struggles and triumphs. I felt truly loved and honored in her presence, and I was reminded why this woman is so close to my heart. She understands my heart. After years, I can stand in front of her with my heart open and not fear that she will hurt it. I love what has developed between us.

I live in a culture of instant gratification. Learning to be counter culture to this has been a bit difficult. My first tendency is always toward immediacy. "I want it now," or "I want to know how long it will take to be there," seem to be consistent themes in my thinking. Learning contentment has come slowly and is still something I struggle with. Being with my bud yesterday confirmed something in my soul...something I have long suspected but only recently really developed in my thinking.

Everything good in life takes time to develop, mature, and be fruitful. I can know how I feel about someone in an instant, but unless we both put in the time to work on our relationship, to forgive the hurts that we inevitably cause to one another when our paradigms collide, relationship will not be developed. Love, community, family, all of these are a result of an intentional effort to make another a part of my life, to be connected to someone who is the same but different than me. Sometimes, the differences get the better of me, and I want to break relationship as a result. Other times, I am overwhelmed with how similar I am to the other in front of me, and there seems to be nothing that differentiates us.

My dad says, "Hard work is the great equalizer." My business professors told me, "If the principle is true in business it is true in your personal life, and you can apply it there." So, hard work then is what makes a successful relationship. There is that initial attraction, that falling in love, crazy, out of control desire, yes. But in order to make it last, both parties have to work at being friends as well as lovers. Both people have to be intentional about their goals, their dreams, and honoring the other in the relationship as well as themselves. And if they are not going in the same direction, like two companies considering a merger, they need to respect one another enough to give up and find a more compatible partner, or else one person (or both) must change their life course to make it work.

We as a culture are so intentional in business. If we are smart, we are intentional about our health, the cars we drive, our technology, and the food we eat. We are intentional about the tv we watch. But when it comes to our families, our futures, how intentional are we with our dating process? Are we seeking someone we can spend the rest of our lives enjoying and building with, or are we simply after whatever we can get right now or what looks best "parked in our drive-way?"

I know I have been intentional with filling my life with good people as friends, in my hobbies and my educational pursuits. I have been intentional when it comes to networking, to financial goals, and to making exercise a part of my daily existence. But when it comes to relationships, I might as well have been walking around with a blindfold on. The thing is, whom you chose to spend your time with right now will impact the rest of your life. We are a part of one another, and we cannot help but either move closer to or away from what we experience. To be unmoved is apathy, and it just isn't something that's really a part of my character. So, I can chose to surround myself with people who are like minded, going somewhere with their lives, setting goals to accomplish their dreams, or I can chose to sit by and pretend I am a victim of my own life. But I am not. None of us are. We make our choices, make the best of the cards that are dealt to us; and if we are smart, we learn and grow and prepare for the next hand.

Being intentional means preparing for what I want in my life as well as chasing my goals and dreams. Do I do this perfectly? Heavens no! Each day I am getting better at it. I am saying no more quickly to things I don't want in my life. I am letting friends and family gently point me toward better solutions to problems I face. I am living from my values as best I can today knowing that it is a process. Life is a process. This isn't an instant thing, being healthy in my soul. Rather, it is learning what I want, what I don't want, and what I can do about it. It is taking the steps one day at a time, knowing that I will never arrive. Rather, I am learning to be healthy in this moment in hopes that the next moment will be healthier still. I am learning to be intentional with my soul, to honor myself.

And you know something? It feels good. My soul feels good these days.

May your soul thrive as you live from the core of who you are one day at a time on this beautiful journey of life. I honor God within you.

Dark Side of the Moon

Dating is a lot like being in limbo. Nothing is clearly defined. You know the other person is attracted to you on some level, but what level that is might be beyond your scope or imagination.

And then there are the times you just really don't want to know how the other person feels or what they are thinking. I am finding that oversharing can kill the bond maybe even more quickly than under sharing can. Yep, there are no two ways about it, this dating thing is hard work.

I like to think that one day, I will be good enough at it to refuse a bad date before it even happens. And maybe one day, I will be so amazing at dating, that I will actually go on a date with my future husband. But for now, I am just trying to detect quality men.

To tell you the truth, I am a little intimidated by a man who takes care of himself, has his career figured out, knows what he wants in life and how to get it and loves the Lord. I am afraid that I won't be good enough for him, that he'll see my life is a work in progress and run for the hills, never to look back for fear he will turn like Lot's wife into a salty snack for the nearby livestock. I don't know how to handle a healthy relationship, and I don't want to lose someone terrific because I made a stupid mistake.

When I feel like this, I remember the beautiful character I see in Jesus. He loves me because I am, not for what I do. He knows my path, all the people I will meet and the dates I will go on before I commit my life to another soul. He is not shocked by my failures thus far, nor is he intimidated by the failings of my future. Rather he knows there will always be imperfections in my life as surly as there are weeds in the garden. And we will deal with them all one by one, striving to reach the root so that what is fruitful in my soul can be nourished properly.

When I think about it that way, it makes talking to people who love Jesus and have things in common with me less difficult. Who knows? Maybe it will lead to a date or further. The important thing is, I am learning that I am worth more than I have believed. I am worth protecting, loving, and providing for. I can be confident in knowing that I don't have to settle for less than what I want in this life. He is still the God of more than enough. I don't have to fear. He knows my needs.

Try to love again

Well, folks, I am about three quarters packed for my new abode. I am reusing boxes that have laid vacant under my bed for the past two years in anticipation of this day. It's funny the things I save. I am finding that I may have some more sorting to do once I finally do move into my new place. For now, most everything in my room is going into boxes (mostly barring the title "books") without much thought of what stays and what goes. I'm doing sorting of a different kind in my life.

I joined OKCupid about a month ago. I started seeing one guy pretty intensely there for a time. The thing is, it was just too much too fast. So I backed way off, and I am diversifying again. Apparently, I needed to revisit the insights of Venus and Mars on a Date, one of the many books I own that I highly recommend to all my single ladies. In it, author John Gray discusses the five stages of dating: attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement. I have been going from attraction right into intimacy for as long as I can remember. This is not a good plan for long term success. But I don't feel bad about it. Rather, I am learning from my mistakes.

I am rereading this book, and I am finding that mistakes are a part of dating. We try and see if this person is someone whom we like, whom we might be able to love, whom we might want to spend the rest of our lives with. Each time we get a no, we adjust our approach, try to be more observant so as not to run into the same problems again, and move on. Eventually, we will succeed in finding the love of our life. There is no need to worry or fear, just be smart and use both our brains and hearts.

So, I am evaluating each person, trying to ask pivotal questions, and making sure that I enjoy all the stages of dating. If it gets too intense, I dial it back and try again. There is no need to worry. Everything will be ok, and one day I too will get my happily ever after. Everything worth having in this life takes hard work. Our dreams inspire us to do the work in the first place. Without working for our dreams, they are little more than fantasies. Don't be afraid to fail in pursuit of your dreams. Try to love again. Who knows? The next one might be the keep you forever kind. And know that you're not alone in this grand adventure of dating. I am out here too.

Love you all,
Amy

Staying safe while moving out

I will be moving into my own apartment soon. Seems like yesterday I was gathering all my stuff together in preparation for what to me marked the beginning of my adult life: having my own place. That was nine years ago, and in all that time I have lived by myself for 3 days and 3 months. This will be my third attempt to manage living solo, and I hope my efforts are finally rewarded.

I had a bit of a freak out yesterday. Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between past and present. I took a deep breath, cried a bit, got real honest with the guy I am dating, and found an app to help keep me safe.

The app is called circle of six and can be found at www.circleof6app.com. The app is easy to use and helps to keep young women safe when out on dates, trying to get home, and navigating relationships. It even has links to hotlines in case the worse happens. I don't think I will have to use it, but being safe is a priority when it comes to living on my own.

I think anyone who is dating should have this app personally. As my boss says, "There are just way too many freak shows out there." I feel better knowing I have people backing me up, that I am not alone in life. Hopefully, this will be a great new adventure. Adding a lifeline, well that's just how smart girls do single.