Not an event

"Intimacy is a process, not an event," my dad said to me over the phone as we talked about all that's gone wrong in my dating life this last month (ok, lifetime...but really, who's counting?). Surprisingly, my dad's advice and wisdom seem to get better with age and distance, like a fine wine that needs time and air to complete its transformation into an epic romance. Yep, he's one smart man, my dad.

So here's what I am learning about the process. It's slow. You can want something to work out yesterday, but unless you're willing to wait, to work for it day by day even if you're not exactly sure what you're working for, you'll never achieve your goal. That may mean saying no to something right now because it won't work in the long run, spending another night alone because dating someone you have to settle for is settling for less than yourself, or getting your butt to therapy, the gymn, the doctor, the dentist or your best friend's house to be the healthiest you. Hey lady, if you don't want broken men, why do you think the "man of your dreams" would?

It takes dedication. What do you value? How do you see yourself? And what are you doing about it? Looking in the mirror and holding yourself accountable is never easy, but it's the only way lasting growth can occur. It's also the only way you can maintain your health. It's a lot harder to repair the damage than to avoid it in the first place. Please trust me on this one and be dedicated to your own self care and saying no to things that will hurt you or just don't feel right to you.

It takes community. People who want to be a part of your life for the long run won't always see eye to eye. Some of them may not even like each other. But if they are worth holding onto, they won't devalue the other healthy relationships you have in your life or encourage you to throw in the towel on good relationships when things go amiss as they most certainly will. They will help you through it and encourage you to find the good in the situation. They will also alert you to the errors you're prone to and point you to healthier choices and people. Everyone needs the support of community. We're not meant to go it alone in this life.

I am taking my own advice. There are a lot of unhealthy habits I have to kick in my life. I am getting help, but I know a lot of the problems were created by me, and I am going to have to be the one to fix them. I am not running from them anymore. Instead, I am learning to embrace the process every day in hopes that one day, I won't come home to an empty apartment. Instead, I will be greeted by my husband and our children. It's my dream. It's a small one, but it's the one I hold most dear. Until then, I will be leaning into the process and holding onto hope. And once I am there, I will be practicing what I am learning now.

May you find joy in your process.

Character

Formed by my everyday choices, who I am, what I get out of life, what I give, all of it composing my character. We watch and wait for a long, long time, never knowing what tomorrow will bring us. Only this hope-union, love, belonging, significance, meaning, purpose. And so we reach out a hand, offer a smile, interact for a moment for the sole purpose of belonging.

Maybe tomorrow, maybe today, maybe somewhere in the past we can take comfort in the knowledge that we have found home with another human soul.

I am waiting for someone to claim me as their own even while my heart screams life would be much easier for me if I were just to forsake this dream altogether. It's funny; I used to look for someone to be "Jesus with skin on" to me. Now, I am just looking for companionship and "a lover who won't drive me crazy." In these changed expectations, these uncertain and upheaved times, I am still looking for his face. I have decided just being friends and having fun is a better approach than running the gamut of the barnyard asking, "Are you my lover?"

Rain makes me remember that one is a whole number, that all is not lost, and that all things are beautiful in their time.

The ghosts of lovers past move in and out of my heart like the breeze playing with the curtains on a warm summer's day. But on this first day of Autumn,summer's breeze can only be a pleasant memory, a promise of next year's abundance. With all these memories, I must put behind me those who never could be cognizant of all I am. Foreign places are now familiar comforts reminding me that though we are strangers, you will be my fortress and I your home one day.

These values of mine keep me separate from my generation. My timidity keeps me caged from sharing these thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Rejection's bite still tingles on my heart the way my burn scaths my hand when I touch it, although it is healing. I am healing.

There are moments when I don't even think about the pain, moments when all I see is joy, beauty, and love. I live for those moments. I cannot always create them, but I cherish them.

Can I trust that You want me to belong more than I do, that You know how all of this comes about? Can I trust that You created my heart to hunger for this because You wanted to fill that hunger? Do I have faith to believe that You will guide me to the place of completion?

Let go, little heart. Free fall into grace. Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. There is more to today than meets the eye. Rest. All is well.

Be prepared

This morning, I had no milk for my cereal, no cream for my coffee, no eggs in my refrigerator, and no inclination to go grocery shopping before breakfast. I worked 40 hours in four days this weekend doing catering, and the last thing I want to do this morning is cook. So I walked down to Coffee Cottage, grabbed a snowdrift scone and a drip coffee, and sat down at Hoover Park for breakfast with a view. This kind of unplanned meal indulgence happens rarely in my world, and I must say, I enjoy it quite a bit because it is such a special treat.

A friend asked me recently, "What's your best advice for busy people trying to eat well on a budget?" I have several tips but my number one will always be to prepare.

Professional kitchens are menu driven. Menus are made in advance by chefs. As the day of service draws closer, the chef checks to make sure all the ingredients needed for each menued item are in the kitchen or can be obtained in enough time to prepare the dish. Some items are best when they are served a day or two after they are made; some must be served immediately. And some can be prepped in stages and then served.

So my advice to you is to take your cues from the pros. Plan what you and your family want to eat a week at a time. Go grocery shopping for items to make your food, and then prep items that you can as far in advance as you can to save you time and money throughout the rest of the week. Pre cut your vegetables when possible, freeze dinners if need be, and marinade you meats a day or two in advance. That way it's not, "I have to figure dinner out because I am so hungry I could eat a horse," but instead, "Let's get this baby in the oven, and celebrate life over dinner."

Until next time, happy eating!

The sea and me

It's amazing how when I finally make a commitment in my heart to love everyone, how easily peace flows in. Suddenly, I am unafraid to be myself, to let my heart follow its desires. For so long, I have been afraid that my desires are evil. Now I find that they were really put in my heart to guide me to my best life possible.
Community does not have to be painful. It can simply be the ebb and flow of the tide of love on my heart. There are times to give away when I am so full I could not receive any more. There are times to receive, when I am dry and barren and thirsty for love's embrace. And then there are the between moments, when I am caught in the dance and I don't know who is giving and who is receiving, just that we both are in this moment. This is what love, what family, what community means to me. I open my heart because I am unafraid of being hurt even while I find myself scared at times of what the future may hold.
I have to trust the other and trust myself to know when to give, when to receive, when to dance, and when to walk away or simply wait. But I am finding I can trust myself, and I can trust others. It's just one move at a time. The sea knows. She whispers to me that all these desires will bud into a tree of life. So I watch the tide go out knowing that it's just a matter of time before it comes in again and brings you to me on these shores of hope. I am watching and waiting.

Fiercely Female

"Hello, lady bros," came the greeting through the screen door. Another male popped his head into the bi-weekly meeting of the Firey Feminists last night as a bunch of twenty somethings sat in a large circle of an apartment living room sharing wine, food, and conversation. Last night was my first time attending the meeting, and what I found there was as unexpected as all the men checking in to see if they could join the conversation later in the evening.

I wasn't expecting the outpouring of love, acceptance, and worth that was bestowed on me. I wasn't expecting the overlooking of my foux pas of bringing bread into a gluten free home. When asked about my past, I was not expecting the grace, interest and understanding. The Firey group felt more like love than anything else.

By the end of the night, I found myself laughing like an old friend and genuinely wanting to spend the next evening with the group. To be honest, I was expecting to find a group of bitter, judgmental women. Instead, I found the warm glow of friends. Maybe I am the judgmental one. Maybe I need to learn the art of acceptance of myself and others.

One thing is for sure: I made some wonderful new friends. They are strong working women like me who love life and have so much to offer the world around them. They aren't content sitting on the sidelines either. They want to change their world and be a force for good in it. They want to be seen for people, beautiful individuals that they are. Who could fail to see the beauty in this fiery bunch of friends?

Begin with the end in mind

I have been doing a lot of soul searching as of late. In cooking we have this saying,  "Begin with the end in mind." Also known as mise en plase (or as I like to call it, mess in place), it refers to the need to have all of the ingredients prepped out and ready to rock before beginning the cooking process. That way if the recipe says to immediatly add onions, the cook isn't scambling to cut onions while trying to keep the rest of the food at its optimal point. This is also why the advice is always given to read the recipe through once before even starting to prep for it. That way, you know what you need, how much you need of it, and how long the process will take. Begin with the end in mind.

I have been working through a book about being the right person in my own life so that when the man God has promised to me (and reminded me of constantly for the last four years, thank you prophetic entourage) shows up in my life I will be able to attract and notice him. Being present in my own life has always been a challenge for me because my dreams are so much bigger than I am. Still, if I never acknowledge them and start working towards them, they never will materialize.

My workbook suggested I write a list of all my life goals and slowly build a collection of pictures to symbolize each of my goals throughout the journey. Being a Real Simple reader, I got out my magazines and began to cut pictures that resonate with the dreams I have of the life I want to lead. Something transformative has taken place in the process of glue, scissors, and paper. I am starting to live my goals as naturally as breathing. I think I am starting to believe in the beauty of my own dreams.

I have written out a lifetime's worth of goals. Everything from present aspirations, work, friends, family, and leaving an inheritance are included. It's a beautiful dream, one I hope I can fully realize. The best part is that it's mine. I don't feel like I am faking it anymore. I know what I want, and that may be the hardest part of the process for me. At the end, I want to look Jesus in the eye and say, "We lived a beautiful dream together, you and I." I want him to say back to me, "Your life is scrumptious." That's my well done. And I know it will be wonderful because I will have been present for my life.

May you begin with the end in mind knowing that the dreams in your heart were put there by heaven to invite you to the river of delight. All of my love.

The most important thing you'll ever learn...

Someone asked me recently what is the most important thing I have learned from my past dating experience. I laughed. Do you know how much dating experience I have and how much of it has been disastrous? I could write a book full of dating lessons, what not to do. But the most important one? That's a tough call.

I think it might have actually come today. One of my best friends recommend I read a book titled Calling In The One. It deals with road blocks otherwise successful, well adjusted women put in their way when it comes to dating; the author asks those individuals to take seven weeks of daily practice to go through a lesson and exercise of some kind to help them get in touch with who they are and who they're looking for. Today was about leaving behind past agreements in relationships that hold us back from creating healthy attachments.

I did the exercise, went to work, visited Ace for a little assistance setting up my cockroach mine field, and proceeded home to bag all my food and gleefully annihilate the prehistoric menace. As I was standing astride my sink peering deep into my cabinets with boric acid in hand, my most recent fling text messaged me. He asked about my new place. When I failed to respond immediately, he proceeded to tell me I could be a real heart breaker and to be careful how I use that power. I finally told him I wasn't trying to break his heart and that I was engaged in warfare. I told him that I didn't think we were right for each other. Of course I let him say he wasn't in love with me. You have to be gentle with people.

Sitting at my favorite coffee shop while warding off sparrows from my peanutbutter chocolate pie I bought in honor to the end of yet another possibility, I realized something. The greatest lesson I have learned in dating is to learn something from everyone I have dated. Each one has shown me something about myself I would never have known had they not been in my life. I am thankful for all they have taught me, even if it wasn't love that brought us together.

I have learned a great deal about what works, what doesn't, and am able to say goodbye sooner and in a more honoring way than before. I am learning that sometimes in love, the most valuable gift another soul can give to you is the gift of an honest assessment. Be thankful for those who take interest long enough to show you the beauty of who you are.