Extroverted Feeler Problems

I know, I know. Ok. I have been told it a million times. I wear my heart on my sleeve. My emotions come out in bursts of energy, and I can't always control them. I work hard to manage them...as in body building hard. But when I am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, controling them becomes pretty near impossible. They tell me it's the human condition. Most people are understanding of this.

There is one word I hate being applied to my feelings. Drama. Seriously? The implications are that my feelings are not real, are not valid, are not important, and should just be ignored. Being a Feeler, I process everything through my feelings. I have to before I can even begin to pull it a part logically. I am incredibly logical once I have processed my emotions. But to discount them is to take away the inner voice that helps guide me on my journey.

Being extroverted doesn't help matters. I talk to people about everything. To those who are intolerant of excessive emotions, it makes me seem like a flounder tool. But those who take the time to listem, to discover the truth about me soon find out that I care deeply about others, that my emotions are what they are, only a compass to help guide me, and that I hate being seen as nothing more than a drama queen.

So could we please discontinue the use of this label? People are so much more than one dimensional. Stereotyping takes away the value of the life in front of you.

Soap box dismounted.

Hiring my "Boss"

I made my therapist laugh today. We were talking about my latest crisis which was brought on by another misadventure in dating. He asked me to make a list with him of all the traits I wanted in a future long term committed relationship. I said respect, love, loyalty, kindness, someone who doesn't look at my friends (or drool over them, or date them), someone who will take care of me and the kids when I am sick, someone who is a hard worker, someone who lets me have time with the girls and has his own life too, someone who enjoys some of the same things I do, has a good family life or support system, likes kids, and is easy on the eyes. Give or take a few.

He looked at the list and said, "If I had a business and I met this guy, I would put him in charge."

I laughed and said, "Maybe I am more entrepreneurial minded than I think."

He asked, "How do you mean?"

I replied, "I have a job opening for a guy and every time I let one go, it's like, damn, not another one. We lost another one!" We both laughed at that and then started talking about how I would know this guy when I met him. We came to the conclusion that patience is important for me to win in this scenario. I feel like I have to be with someone, anyone right now because I want to be a people maker. He told me women can have children into their sixties and that I can take the pressure off of myself. So I am trying to cool my jets and recover from the things I have done to myself in my own heart and head.

The exchange has got me thinking in a different way about relationships. In essence, we get to hire our own boss as ladies. (I know my feminist friends are about to burn me at the stake for this, but I am still a bit traditional. Sorry, ladies.) We get to chose the man who is going to be the father of our children, who is going to take care of us in our old age, who will help us plan for retirement, have fun with us on vacation, be our playmate, confidant, and friend. That's a huge job. I want to pick the very best man. By being in a rush, I have hurt my progress in this endeavor. I don't want to just settle for some dude who seems ok. I want the best CEO of my home in the world because I would want the same in the world of work. Some women, I know, already made that choice and now get to live with it for better or worse. I want my choice to make my life better.

So I have decided to invest in me today, to take my time and look around and to enjoy being single. I am taking the pressure off relationships, cooling my jets, looking forward to spending time with friends and family, and actually looking at the guys' profiles on eHarmony....just looking. I do want to be with someone, but not at the expense of being disrespected, lied to, cheated on, or left in the dark. It takes a long time to get to know someone well enough to give them the keys to the office, so I'm in it to win it. This is my Christmas gift to myself this year. I hope you give yourself something equally valuable.

Merry Christmas.

Respect

Authenticity: this is how you win respect. Being who you are, flaws and all, openly and honestly for all to see. That doesn't mean you stop working on developing your character, it just means you own your shit. Hiding the darker side will only hurt you in the long run. We all have one, so why not be honest about it and let the pieces fall where they may.

Treat people right. They may drive you crazy or to the breaking point, but who they are does not determine who you are. I can be super upset with someone and still be kind to them because I want to be a kind person. It doesn't mean I let them get away with walking on me. It just means I refuse to be hateful. No does not have to be screamed in order to be heard. It just has to be consistent.

Don't change your boundaries for ANYONE! I have, and every time, I've regretted it. Respect starts with respecting yourself first. If you know something is not going to work for you, don't do it. In my case it doesn't matter how long I have known the guy, how cute he is, or how much fun we have together. If he's not in it to win it, I am only wasting my time, hurting myself, and possibly hindering him from growth.

Live your own morals, and let others live theirs. If all truth is God's truth, eventually we'll get it right. I think the point of life is more about discovering passion and connections. Letting others be themselves allows for this to occur. We can share our viewpoints and come away more enriched, but determining who and what another should be will only lead to resentment in the end. People need to be allowed to be people.

That being said, learn the rules of the game and come up with a strategy before playing. Be in this thing called life to win, not simply to survive. No one has ever survived life. So win instead.

Give what you want to get back, even if the other person doesn't deserve it. If you wouldn't be happy with other people knowing about your actions, don't do those things in the first place. If you do engage in embarrassing activities, own it. People will respect you for it. Then do better next time, and celebrate small victories.

Respect can take a lifetime to build and be destroyed in an instant. Learning how to fail is just as important as success. Be respectable and you will be respected.

Getting out of poverty

I have never lived my life according to someone else's rules. I always wanted to know why the rules were there in the first place, what would happen if I broke them, and what I believed about those social customs anyways. My life has not been boring, but I have taken the scenic route as a result.

I am told that this is what scientists and artists do. They aren't satisfied with conventional answers but always have to dig deeper. The why behind the what is important to them. As such, artists are notorious for learning the rules to break them, and scientists postulate and experiment to understand the world better. I resonate with this deeply.

I have graduated college and am still working a low income job. It's not that I have not tried to get a career job, I just have not had any vision of myself in one until recently. But in order to get out of this crazy cycle called poverty, I am either going to have to marry rich (hello he-cession and the rise of effeminate men) or put myself through grad school and actually beat life at this game. I can't control who falls in love with me (and make no mistake, I will be marrying for love, not money), but I can control what job I am eligible for. So back to school I go.

My plan is to combine the art of living well with the science of food and become a Registered Dietitian. I want to work clinically, using food as an aide to heal people. The science at this point is a bit intimidating. But I won multiple science fairs back in elementary, and I loved science in middle school. I just need to apply myself is all.

To get into grad school, I have to take the GRE and five science courses. I can do this. That's all that stands between me and getting out of a cockroach infested apartment, all that's between me and being able to own a car, be at family functions, and have a relationship with whomever I chose without worrying about how the electric is going to stay on and what we will be able to eat. It's what stands between me and being able to one day be a mother whose kids are well taken care of. You best believe I am going to destroy these classes. Amy "Give Me My A" is going back to school on a mission to get a better life for herself and her future family. Look out education system!

Maybe it's taken all of this for me to realize what I am fighting for. It's not just a job. It's getting up each day and being valued for all that I am, not just what someone wants from me. Thus begins my journey into a "family friendly" career, one that fits me just right. Baby, I don't know you, but I love you. And I am doing this for us. See you soon.

Ghettofabulous

She watches the roaches dance
Upside down on her ceiling
Playing solitary
Cause the one tv channel is boring

She waits for the boys
To get done working
To play darts and watch them drinking
She doesn't count the beer cans

She stays up late
With the boy down the street
No promises to keep
Just pizza and friendship

She stands on the side of the pool
As the children come out before she jumps in
She is a sea turtle, a seal, a mermaid
Her mind resets itself

She hopes one day to own a car
To fall in love, to be fat with children
For now, she's her own hero
Because no one else is here.

You don't own me

Cigarettes remind me of my ex-husband. He smoked a pack a day. You know, it's silly the things you miss. I still get sick from the swirl of smoke in the air, but I miss holding him and feeling the heat of the cigarettes coming out of his nostrils down onto my hair. I don't miss how he treated me, but he was my first lover, and somehow the smell got associated with physical closeness.

I am a strange hybrid of a being. On one hand, I value my independent lifestyle highly. I live alone, enjoy being able to come and go as I please when I am not working, and like having space to not clean for a few days or worry about making dinner if I don't feel like it. On the other, having a family with all the demands, time constraints, responsibilities, and obligations appeals to me. I prize love more than any single thing in this life. My personal hell would be to dwell in a loveless relationship. And there in lies the rub.

The tension between wanting to be with someone pulls hard against the angst of not wanting to be with the wrong person. I strike out in this so often because I genuinely want to be loved and valued, and I confuse physical attention for love. I am old enough to know they aren't the same thing, and old enough to realize that I still need my Daddy's protection. No man loves in quite the same capacity as a dad, and my Daddy always told me if I was ever having problems figuring out a young man's intention, to send that gent his way. I started talking him up on that offer recently.

Here is the deal. No man owns me. But I do belong to a family. That family has fought through hell and back for me. There was a time I was stolen away from them, yet they continued to love me the best way they knew how and hope that I would be returned to them again. When I came back, they sheltered me until I was ready to make my own decisions about life and pay the costs for those choices. They invested in my education, my mental health, and my spiritual development. They listen to me regardless of their own political leanings and viewpoints, letting me figure out life through the grand experiment of living it. And giving that up for some dude who doesn't respect my Daddy, well I did that once, and it was hell.

I am not the best at providing for myself, but I do the best I can right now. I don't really try to protect myself. I have a lot of angels and praying mommas for that. And I am always going to need someone to tell me I am doing well at life, that I am pretty and smart and sexy. This is who I am. I want a man in my life, but I want the right one. Sex is easy. Love is hard.

I know my point of view is fading fast, some feel it should have been left solidly in the 1950's. I am happy to have my college education, to be able to vote, to have been allowed to leave an abusive marriage in the dust no questions asked. I value my work, being able to have a bank account, and being treated as an equal member of society. But I am not a man. I am different from my guy friends, different from my ex-boyfriends and lovers. I can't hit it and quit it. Turning my brain off at night is nothing short of an act of God, and sometimes I just want to be held and heard. I don't need a solution. I am a woman, equal and different. I don't want to provide for my family in the same way my dad provides for me. I want to make my contribution to the world, but I have never cared about the money. Sometimes I even do the math wrong.

Not all women feel this way, and I respect that. I just don't want to be treated like one of them. I want to be seen and valued for who and what I am regardless of if we agree or not. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe when I get treated like I agree with all of the patriarchy oppresses women stuff. I don't feel oppressed; I wish I would have listened when my Daddy said no to my first husband. I love it when my neighbors offer to shoot someone if they try to come after me on my block walk home. I think the most romantic thing a guy has done for me in recent history is to take my hand and walk me 20 minutes in the dark to my front door. Chivalry may be the cost of giving up patriarchy, and I am just not willing to part with it yet. Because I hope that someday, someone will ask my Daddy for my hand and that when he says I do, my Daddy will know I will be loved, cherished, and protected by that man. This is what I want in life. And it may not happen, but a girl can hope.

And no, no one owns me. But I belong to a family. And when I start one of my own, I want it to be with the love, support, and understanding that I enjoy now. I want it all. I still believe in chivalry.

Sad tonight...

I would pay someone to help make these thoughts go away, to stay with me through the night and just hold me to let me know I am ok, that everything will be ok. Sometimes at night for no reason at all, I want to cry, to scream, to escape life completely. I don't know what to do, who to call, or how to get myself out of it. I tell myself to hold on, that there are good things coming in life, that tomorrow is the Switchfoot concert, (or whatever else I have planned) and that this too will pass.

I breathe in and out and remind myself that it will be ok. I try calling a friend, maybe two, and then give up. I don't want you to see me like this. I almost walked a block to my neighbors house, but decided against it because what can they do? They can't hold me through the night and tell me it will be ok. And tomorrow I will probably be happy again, high on life. But tonight, my brain has taken over and I can't stop it. So I write, because writing is a safe way to say it without doing anything rash.

Thanks for listening. This is what my depression looks like. I am tired of trying to be brave for you. I love you all. Please send me a prayer and for my non religious friends, a good thought. Thanks for being in my life. I think of you and it keeps me here. All my love.

Trying them on

Sometimes I feel so indecisive on things. Today, I went back and forth in my mind on wether or not to go to AlAnon. Pros: awesome people who understand what I have been through and are trying in their own way to deal with the same issues. Cons: most of these people are new to the program and running a stretch of highway in the middle of the night after walking 45 minutes is bound to get me or someone else killed.

So just for tonight I have decided to go to Celebrate Recovery instead. It's a Christian based 12 step program to help people deal with life's hang ups and issues. There's a corporate worship service and then the ladies and men separate into small groups to discuss life.
I am hesitant to go because the last meeting I went to like this was held at a church that housed a homeless shelter I stayed at for three weeks before coming home to Oregon. Participation was mandatory, and I hated it. Knowing I don't have to go back if I don't want to is helpful.

So here I am trying to get healthy and be content with the life I have. I am starting to get real with myself about how I have been part of the problem. I want to be part of my own solutions now. Today, I am learning to breathe and be grateful to be in my small pond where people love me regardless of if it's how I want to be loved.

Maybe living your own life on your own terms is the biggest adventure of all.

Better off as friends...

I will kiss you on the mouth one last time
Shut the door and fall silent on the floor
Your words reverberating in my ears
We're better off as friends
This isn't what I want or need right now
Thanks but no thanks
You're not worth it to me

I thought you were different
Than all the others who came before
But you're totally unaware
Of what you've done to me

You captivated my imagination
And for one moment I thought I could
Just take it easy and enjoy the ride
But if it's a dead end, why bother?

I have spent my whole life
On a roller coaster, getting nowhere fast
It's been exciting and terrifying
But I am older now
I want to saunter, to enjoy the walk
And the view as I hold hands
With someone beautiful
Intent and content just to be together
For the joy of it

This mockery of love
Simply will not do
I have enough friends
I have one job opening
Leave me alone if you don't want it
You cannot have the paycheck
Without doing the job

P.S. Friends don't get the paycheck!

AlAnon

We come in all shapes and sizes to a room set with chairs and literature. There are pamphlets and books. We come from all different backgrounds, all walks of life and faiths are represented here. We come with only one commonality. Someone we love has a problem drinking too much alcohol, and we've come to the end of ourselves trying to fix their problem.

It's a curious thing that I can feel kindred with a group of strangers. I don't have to explain to them crying because I can't stop someone from drinking. I don't have to tell them about being disappointed because my plans fell through with a drinker and hear them remark, "Why don't you just stop making plans with them?" Financial crisis, sleepless nights, and hopelessness are all familiar to this group, as is the feeling of being completely out of control. We don't share because we are unfamiliar with these things. We share because we've held them in for too long. We're here because we need to borrow each other's strength in order to find the strength we've always had. We can carry on.

So I have started to go to AlAnon because when I tell my story here, people aren't shocked by it. These people aren't scared by this demon in my past, this thing I can never out run. They are staring it in the face too and living and loving in spite of it. If they can love regardless and learn to accept life on life's terms, I know I can too. They are the embodiment of hope for me. Life can be good no matter what.

Giving it a name

First off, I don't desire your pity. It makes me feel like less of a person, and I already struggle with that enough as it is. The reason I am sharing this online at all is because I hate the secret of it, and I hope my story can help someone else to heal.

I was diagnosed with mild depression about two weeks ago. Yes, I have a mental illness. I get sad for no reason, feel like life is completely hopeless, and cannot pull myself out of my darkness despite my best efforts. Little things set me off. I don't care how people react to me. And sometimes I think not being alive is a better option than living. I have to force myself to go to work, to eat, to clean my house and get dressed and practice daily hygiene. Finding hope for the future requires effort. The daily details of life are a challenge that at times seems overwhelming. I think I am going crazy half the time and can feel totally isolated and alone in a room full of people.

The good news is my condition is very treatable. According to my psychologist, research indicates that forty minutes of exercise a day is enough to elevate happy brain chemicals (the kind I lack) for 24 hours. I have been working out three times a week to start, and I notice the difference. So does everyone at work.

Having hobbies I enjoy also is a part of my therapy. I love to paint, crochet, write poetry, listen to music and read. My therapist told me I need to do these things three times a week for about half an hour each. I feel better about myself after doing these things, and the world feels like a more inviting place too.

Eating right and journaling are also major components of my journey to health. This is a whole body disease, so to fix it, I have to pay attention to all systems.

Finally, having a support network is very important in healing. I have to be around people who are supportive four times a week for about twenty minutes. A lot of depression is about suffering in silence alone. By having other people care, there's something worth while to live for and strength to get through the lows.

Talk therapy is another component of my healing journey. I meet with a psychologist once a week for an hour to figure out where I am not thinking clearly. I am trying to stay off medication right now, and I hope I can kick these blues before long.

If you feel sad for no reason, please seek help. Life can be lovely again, and it doesn't always have to feel like the end of the world. You can be better and get better. Yes, it's a journey, but one well worth taking.

I've already seen some improvements in my symptoms, and I've only been treating them for about a week. Not everyone is that responsive, and your treatment may look different than mine, but I am so encouraged by the good feelings finally being there again.

It's nice to finally have a name for what's been wrong for so long. It's also nice to know I will be able to get well if only I don't give up. Love you all.

Daughter

Flash of light
Small hands and smile bright
Those cocoa eyes
Gazing back at me
Little pink dress
Curtsey and impress
That you are mine on me
I haven't met you yet
Beautiful baby girl
But I saw your face
This morning as I dozed in my bed

I am single
There's no one in the picture right now
Yet you haunt me, my little one
I want you to have a good Daddy
Just like I do
Someone who will show you
How men are meant to be
And to keep you safe and happy
I want you to learn from us
Loving someone is worth the rain
I never want you to worry
About being unloved or alone

So I say a prayer
For your Daddy to come soon
Because I am excited to meet
Both of you
To love you with my whole heart
Baby girl, you've been wanted
From the start
This journey to you
Has been hard
But you are worth it to me
I love you.
Your momma will always love you.

Rough Sketches

I've been noticing little people a lot lately. They bring me comfort and peace by their mere presence.
As I waited for my counseling intake appointment, a little boy flew his toy airplane through the air next to me, used the ground as his airport, and looked up at me with his blue eyes from under my chair, playing peak-a-boo. I admired his calm, and I realized it was all going to be ok.
At the dentist, big brother was crying as I waited to get my teeth examined before being cleaned. Little brother kept turning around, smiling, and staring at me. Do people know how beautiful they are when they stare at something or someone they find beautiful? They light up like Christmas trees, and to me it is the most beautiful sight in all the world. I am still in awe when ever children look at me that way. I think it's sacred, this unconditional love children have not learned to squelch yet.
I biked to Fred Meyer's Friday to restock some supplies, and found a bench next to a table with a mom and son team selling overpriced popcorn for Cub Scouts camp. As I ate my sushi, a little girl in adorably oversized glasses came out of the building with her parents who were immediately solicited by the young man on a mission to please his mother and win his rightful place among the few, the proud, the camping. She just stopped and stared. The little girl wiggle came, that nervous laugh and shy smile that seems always to accompany the hope that maybe, just maybe he feels the same way too. And I wonder if we're all so obvious, or if the cool we think we develop as we get older is not a facade to something children don't have to be taught. Beautiful people are everywhere.
I look up at the stars one more time, and I wonder if it ever bothered him, Sarah's laughing as he took a journey towards a land he could not see for a child he had yet to hold. Abraham's story haunts me. What is it to live every day faithfully with a promise burning in your heart? I watch the children and I know they are a promise to me. He still is faithful to his word no matter how many times I think I can do it better, do it right. As Melody says, "God's A plan is still in motion. His heart is for you, toward you." Children are the embodiment of that hope. So in all these things, I won't lose heart. It's just a rough sketch of the beauty that is to come from the God who is, who was, and always will be faithful and true.

Not an event

"Intimacy is a process, not an event," my dad said to me over the phone as we talked about all that's gone wrong in my dating life this last month (ok, lifetime...but really, who's counting?). Surprisingly, my dad's advice and wisdom seem to get better with age and distance, like a fine wine that needs time and air to complete its transformation into an epic romance. Yep, he's one smart man, my dad.

So here's what I am learning about the process. It's slow. You can want something to work out yesterday, but unless you're willing to wait, to work for it day by day even if you're not exactly sure what you're working for, you'll never achieve your goal. That may mean saying no to something right now because it won't work in the long run, spending another night alone because dating someone you have to settle for is settling for less than yourself, or getting your butt to therapy, the gymn, the doctor, the dentist or your best friend's house to be the healthiest you. Hey lady, if you don't want broken men, why do you think the "man of your dreams" would?

It takes dedication. What do you value? How do you see yourself? And what are you doing about it? Looking in the mirror and holding yourself accountable is never easy, but it's the only way lasting growth can occur. It's also the only way you can maintain your health. It's a lot harder to repair the damage than to avoid it in the first place. Please trust me on this one and be dedicated to your own self care and saying no to things that will hurt you or just don't feel right to you.

It takes community. People who want to be a part of your life for the long run won't always see eye to eye. Some of them may not even like each other. But if they are worth holding onto, they won't devalue the other healthy relationships you have in your life or encourage you to throw in the towel on good relationships when things go amiss as they most certainly will. They will help you through it and encourage you to find the good in the situation. They will also alert you to the errors you're prone to and point you to healthier choices and people. Everyone needs the support of community. We're not meant to go it alone in this life.

I am taking my own advice. There are a lot of unhealthy habits I have to kick in my life. I am getting help, but I know a lot of the problems were created by me, and I am going to have to be the one to fix them. I am not running from them anymore. Instead, I am learning to embrace the process every day in hopes that one day, I won't come home to an empty apartment. Instead, I will be greeted by my husband and our children. It's my dream. It's a small one, but it's the one I hold most dear. Until then, I will be leaning into the process and holding onto hope. And once I am there, I will be practicing what I am learning now.

May you find joy in your process.

Character

Formed by my everyday choices, who I am, what I get out of life, what I give, all of it composing my character. We watch and wait for a long, long time, never knowing what tomorrow will bring us. Only this hope-union, love, belonging, significance, meaning, purpose. And so we reach out a hand, offer a smile, interact for a moment for the sole purpose of belonging.

Maybe tomorrow, maybe today, maybe somewhere in the past we can take comfort in the knowledge that we have found home with another human soul.

I am waiting for someone to claim me as their own even while my heart screams life would be much easier for me if I were just to forsake this dream altogether. It's funny; I used to look for someone to be "Jesus with skin on" to me. Now, I am just looking for companionship and "a lover who won't drive me crazy." In these changed expectations, these uncertain and upheaved times, I am still looking for his face. I have decided just being friends and having fun is a better approach than running the gamut of the barnyard asking, "Are you my lover?"

Rain makes me remember that one is a whole number, that all is not lost, and that all things are beautiful in their time.

The ghosts of lovers past move in and out of my heart like the breeze playing with the curtains on a warm summer's day. But on this first day of Autumn,summer's breeze can only be a pleasant memory, a promise of next year's abundance. With all these memories, I must put behind me those who never could be cognizant of all I am. Foreign places are now familiar comforts reminding me that though we are strangers, you will be my fortress and I your home one day.

These values of mine keep me separate from my generation. My timidity keeps me caged from sharing these thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Rejection's bite still tingles on my heart the way my burn scaths my hand when I touch it, although it is healing. I am healing.

There are moments when I don't even think about the pain, moments when all I see is joy, beauty, and love. I live for those moments. I cannot always create them, but I cherish them.

Can I trust that You want me to belong more than I do, that You know how all of this comes about? Can I trust that You created my heart to hunger for this because You wanted to fill that hunger? Do I have faith to believe that You will guide me to the place of completion?

Let go, little heart. Free fall into grace. Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. There is more to today than meets the eye. Rest. All is well.

Be prepared

This morning, I had no milk for my cereal, no cream for my coffee, no eggs in my refrigerator, and no inclination to go grocery shopping before breakfast. I worked 40 hours in four days this weekend doing catering, and the last thing I want to do this morning is cook. So I walked down to Coffee Cottage, grabbed a snowdrift scone and a drip coffee, and sat down at Hoover Park for breakfast with a view. This kind of unplanned meal indulgence happens rarely in my world, and I must say, I enjoy it quite a bit because it is such a special treat.

A friend asked me recently, "What's your best advice for busy people trying to eat well on a budget?" I have several tips but my number one will always be to prepare.

Professional kitchens are menu driven. Menus are made in advance by chefs. As the day of service draws closer, the chef checks to make sure all the ingredients needed for each menued item are in the kitchen or can be obtained in enough time to prepare the dish. Some items are best when they are served a day or two after they are made; some must be served immediately. And some can be prepped in stages and then served.

So my advice to you is to take your cues from the pros. Plan what you and your family want to eat a week at a time. Go grocery shopping for items to make your food, and then prep items that you can as far in advance as you can to save you time and money throughout the rest of the week. Pre cut your vegetables when possible, freeze dinners if need be, and marinade you meats a day or two in advance. That way it's not, "I have to figure dinner out because I am so hungry I could eat a horse," but instead, "Let's get this baby in the oven, and celebrate life over dinner."

Until next time, happy eating!

The sea and me

It's amazing how when I finally make a commitment in my heart to love everyone, how easily peace flows in. Suddenly, I am unafraid to be myself, to let my heart follow its desires. For so long, I have been afraid that my desires are evil. Now I find that they were really put in my heart to guide me to my best life possible.
Community does not have to be painful. It can simply be the ebb and flow of the tide of love on my heart. There are times to give away when I am so full I could not receive any more. There are times to receive, when I am dry and barren and thirsty for love's embrace. And then there are the between moments, when I am caught in the dance and I don't know who is giving and who is receiving, just that we both are in this moment. This is what love, what family, what community means to me. I open my heart because I am unafraid of being hurt even while I find myself scared at times of what the future may hold.
I have to trust the other and trust myself to know when to give, when to receive, when to dance, and when to walk away or simply wait. But I am finding I can trust myself, and I can trust others. It's just one move at a time. The sea knows. She whispers to me that all these desires will bud into a tree of life. So I watch the tide go out knowing that it's just a matter of time before it comes in again and brings you to me on these shores of hope. I am watching and waiting.

Fiercely Female

"Hello, lady bros," came the greeting through the screen door. Another male popped his head into the bi-weekly meeting of the Firey Feminists last night as a bunch of twenty somethings sat in a large circle of an apartment living room sharing wine, food, and conversation. Last night was my first time attending the meeting, and what I found there was as unexpected as all the men checking in to see if they could join the conversation later in the evening.

I wasn't expecting the outpouring of love, acceptance, and worth that was bestowed on me. I wasn't expecting the overlooking of my foux pas of bringing bread into a gluten free home. When asked about my past, I was not expecting the grace, interest and understanding. The Firey group felt more like love than anything else.

By the end of the night, I found myself laughing like an old friend and genuinely wanting to spend the next evening with the group. To be honest, I was expecting to find a group of bitter, judgmental women. Instead, I found the warm glow of friends. Maybe I am the judgmental one. Maybe I need to learn the art of acceptance of myself and others.

One thing is for sure: I made some wonderful new friends. They are strong working women like me who love life and have so much to offer the world around them. They aren't content sitting on the sidelines either. They want to change their world and be a force for good in it. They want to be seen for people, beautiful individuals that they are. Who could fail to see the beauty in this fiery bunch of friends?

Begin with the end in mind

I have been doing a lot of soul searching as of late. In cooking we have this saying,  "Begin with the end in mind." Also known as mise en plase (or as I like to call it, mess in place), it refers to the need to have all of the ingredients prepped out and ready to rock before beginning the cooking process. That way if the recipe says to immediatly add onions, the cook isn't scambling to cut onions while trying to keep the rest of the food at its optimal point. This is also why the advice is always given to read the recipe through once before even starting to prep for it. That way, you know what you need, how much you need of it, and how long the process will take. Begin with the end in mind.

I have been working through a book about being the right person in my own life so that when the man God has promised to me (and reminded me of constantly for the last four years, thank you prophetic entourage) shows up in my life I will be able to attract and notice him. Being present in my own life has always been a challenge for me because my dreams are so much bigger than I am. Still, if I never acknowledge them and start working towards them, they never will materialize.

My workbook suggested I write a list of all my life goals and slowly build a collection of pictures to symbolize each of my goals throughout the journey. Being a Real Simple reader, I got out my magazines and began to cut pictures that resonate with the dreams I have of the life I want to lead. Something transformative has taken place in the process of glue, scissors, and paper. I am starting to live my goals as naturally as breathing. I think I am starting to believe in the beauty of my own dreams.

I have written out a lifetime's worth of goals. Everything from present aspirations, work, friends, family, and leaving an inheritance are included. It's a beautiful dream, one I hope I can fully realize. The best part is that it's mine. I don't feel like I am faking it anymore. I know what I want, and that may be the hardest part of the process for me. At the end, I want to look Jesus in the eye and say, "We lived a beautiful dream together, you and I." I want him to say back to me, "Your life is scrumptious." That's my well done. And I know it will be wonderful because I will have been present for my life.

May you begin with the end in mind knowing that the dreams in your heart were put there by heaven to invite you to the river of delight. All of my love.

The most important thing you'll ever learn...

Someone asked me recently what is the most important thing I have learned from my past dating experience. I laughed. Do you know how much dating experience I have and how much of it has been disastrous? I could write a book full of dating lessons, what not to do. But the most important one? That's a tough call.

I think it might have actually come today. One of my best friends recommend I read a book titled Calling In The One. It deals with road blocks otherwise successful, well adjusted women put in their way when it comes to dating; the author asks those individuals to take seven weeks of daily practice to go through a lesson and exercise of some kind to help them get in touch with who they are and who they're looking for. Today was about leaving behind past agreements in relationships that hold us back from creating healthy attachments.

I did the exercise, went to work, visited Ace for a little assistance setting up my cockroach mine field, and proceeded home to bag all my food and gleefully annihilate the prehistoric menace. As I was standing astride my sink peering deep into my cabinets with boric acid in hand, my most recent fling text messaged me. He asked about my new place. When I failed to respond immediately, he proceeded to tell me I could be a real heart breaker and to be careful how I use that power. I finally told him I wasn't trying to break his heart and that I was engaged in warfare. I told him that I didn't think we were right for each other. Of course I let him say he wasn't in love with me. You have to be gentle with people.

Sitting at my favorite coffee shop while warding off sparrows from my peanutbutter chocolate pie I bought in honor to the end of yet another possibility, I realized something. The greatest lesson I have learned in dating is to learn something from everyone I have dated. Each one has shown me something about myself I would never have known had they not been in my life. I am thankful for all they have taught me, even if it wasn't love that brought us together.

I have learned a great deal about what works, what doesn't, and am able to say goodbye sooner and in a more honoring way than before. I am learning that sometimes in love, the most valuable gift another soul can give to you is the gift of an honest assessment. Be thankful for those who take interest long enough to show you the beauty of who you are.

Being intentional

One of my best friends came and visited me yesterday. Spending the whole day with her was so much fun. We gardened, attended a talk on creation care at the local Friends church, and packed the remainder of my room up for the big move on Saturday. We talked about men, life, healing, as well as our struggles and triumphs. I felt truly loved and honored in her presence, and I was reminded why this woman is so close to my heart. She understands my heart. After years, I can stand in front of her with my heart open and not fear that she will hurt it. I love what has developed between us.

I live in a culture of instant gratification. Learning to be counter culture to this has been a bit difficult. My first tendency is always toward immediacy. "I want it now," or "I want to know how long it will take to be there," seem to be consistent themes in my thinking. Learning contentment has come slowly and is still something I struggle with. Being with my bud yesterday confirmed something in my soul...something I have long suspected but only recently really developed in my thinking.

Everything good in life takes time to develop, mature, and be fruitful. I can know how I feel about someone in an instant, but unless we both put in the time to work on our relationship, to forgive the hurts that we inevitably cause to one another when our paradigms collide, relationship will not be developed. Love, community, family, all of these are a result of an intentional effort to make another a part of my life, to be connected to someone who is the same but different than me. Sometimes, the differences get the better of me, and I want to break relationship as a result. Other times, I am overwhelmed with how similar I am to the other in front of me, and there seems to be nothing that differentiates us.

My dad says, "Hard work is the great equalizer." My business professors told me, "If the principle is true in business it is true in your personal life, and you can apply it there." So, hard work then is what makes a successful relationship. There is that initial attraction, that falling in love, crazy, out of control desire, yes. But in order to make it last, both parties have to work at being friends as well as lovers. Both people have to be intentional about their goals, their dreams, and honoring the other in the relationship as well as themselves. And if they are not going in the same direction, like two companies considering a merger, they need to respect one another enough to give up and find a more compatible partner, or else one person (or both) must change their life course to make it work.

We as a culture are so intentional in business. If we are smart, we are intentional about our health, the cars we drive, our technology, and the food we eat. We are intentional about the tv we watch. But when it comes to our families, our futures, how intentional are we with our dating process? Are we seeking someone we can spend the rest of our lives enjoying and building with, or are we simply after whatever we can get right now or what looks best "parked in our drive-way?"

I know I have been intentional with filling my life with good people as friends, in my hobbies and my educational pursuits. I have been intentional when it comes to networking, to financial goals, and to making exercise a part of my daily existence. But when it comes to relationships, I might as well have been walking around with a blindfold on. The thing is, whom you chose to spend your time with right now will impact the rest of your life. We are a part of one another, and we cannot help but either move closer to or away from what we experience. To be unmoved is apathy, and it just isn't something that's really a part of my character. So, I can chose to surround myself with people who are like minded, going somewhere with their lives, setting goals to accomplish their dreams, or I can chose to sit by and pretend I am a victim of my own life. But I am not. None of us are. We make our choices, make the best of the cards that are dealt to us; and if we are smart, we learn and grow and prepare for the next hand.

Being intentional means preparing for what I want in my life as well as chasing my goals and dreams. Do I do this perfectly? Heavens no! Each day I am getting better at it. I am saying no more quickly to things I don't want in my life. I am letting friends and family gently point me toward better solutions to problems I face. I am living from my values as best I can today knowing that it is a process. Life is a process. This isn't an instant thing, being healthy in my soul. Rather, it is learning what I want, what I don't want, and what I can do about it. It is taking the steps one day at a time, knowing that I will never arrive. Rather, I am learning to be healthy in this moment in hopes that the next moment will be healthier still. I am learning to be intentional with my soul, to honor myself.

And you know something? It feels good. My soul feels good these days.

May your soul thrive as you live from the core of who you are one day at a time on this beautiful journey of life. I honor God within you.

Dark Side of the Moon

Dating is a lot like being in limbo. Nothing is clearly defined. You know the other person is attracted to you on some level, but what level that is might be beyond your scope or imagination.

And then there are the times you just really don't want to know how the other person feels or what they are thinking. I am finding that oversharing can kill the bond maybe even more quickly than under sharing can. Yep, there are no two ways about it, this dating thing is hard work.

I like to think that one day, I will be good enough at it to refuse a bad date before it even happens. And maybe one day, I will be so amazing at dating, that I will actually go on a date with my future husband. But for now, I am just trying to detect quality men.

To tell you the truth, I am a little intimidated by a man who takes care of himself, has his career figured out, knows what he wants in life and how to get it and loves the Lord. I am afraid that I won't be good enough for him, that he'll see my life is a work in progress and run for the hills, never to look back for fear he will turn like Lot's wife into a salty snack for the nearby livestock. I don't know how to handle a healthy relationship, and I don't want to lose someone terrific because I made a stupid mistake.

When I feel like this, I remember the beautiful character I see in Jesus. He loves me because I am, not for what I do. He knows my path, all the people I will meet and the dates I will go on before I commit my life to another soul. He is not shocked by my failures thus far, nor is he intimidated by the failings of my future. Rather he knows there will always be imperfections in my life as surly as there are weeds in the garden. And we will deal with them all one by one, striving to reach the root so that what is fruitful in my soul can be nourished properly.

When I think about it that way, it makes talking to people who love Jesus and have things in common with me less difficult. Who knows? Maybe it will lead to a date or further. The important thing is, I am learning that I am worth more than I have believed. I am worth protecting, loving, and providing for. I can be confident in knowing that I don't have to settle for less than what I want in this life. He is still the God of more than enough. I don't have to fear. He knows my needs.

Try to love again

Well, folks, I am about three quarters packed for my new abode. I am reusing boxes that have laid vacant under my bed for the past two years in anticipation of this day. It's funny the things I save. I am finding that I may have some more sorting to do once I finally do move into my new place. For now, most everything in my room is going into boxes (mostly barring the title "books") without much thought of what stays and what goes. I'm doing sorting of a different kind in my life.

I joined OKCupid about a month ago. I started seeing one guy pretty intensely there for a time. The thing is, it was just too much too fast. So I backed way off, and I am diversifying again. Apparently, I needed to revisit the insights of Venus and Mars on a Date, one of the many books I own that I highly recommend to all my single ladies. In it, author John Gray discusses the five stages of dating: attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement. I have been going from attraction right into intimacy for as long as I can remember. This is not a good plan for long term success. But I don't feel bad about it. Rather, I am learning from my mistakes.

I am rereading this book, and I am finding that mistakes are a part of dating. We try and see if this person is someone whom we like, whom we might be able to love, whom we might want to spend the rest of our lives with. Each time we get a no, we adjust our approach, try to be more observant so as not to run into the same problems again, and move on. Eventually, we will succeed in finding the love of our life. There is no need to worry or fear, just be smart and use both our brains and hearts.

So, I am evaluating each person, trying to ask pivotal questions, and making sure that I enjoy all the stages of dating. If it gets too intense, I dial it back and try again. There is no need to worry. Everything will be ok, and one day I too will get my happily ever after. Everything worth having in this life takes hard work. Our dreams inspire us to do the work in the first place. Without working for our dreams, they are little more than fantasies. Don't be afraid to fail in pursuit of your dreams. Try to love again. Who knows? The next one might be the keep you forever kind. And know that you're not alone in this grand adventure of dating. I am out here too.

Love you all,
Amy

Staying safe while moving out

I will be moving into my own apartment soon. Seems like yesterday I was gathering all my stuff together in preparation for what to me marked the beginning of my adult life: having my own place. That was nine years ago, and in all that time I have lived by myself for 3 days and 3 months. This will be my third attempt to manage living solo, and I hope my efforts are finally rewarded.

I had a bit of a freak out yesterday. Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between past and present. I took a deep breath, cried a bit, got real honest with the guy I am dating, and found an app to help keep me safe.

The app is called circle of six and can be found at www.circleof6app.com. The app is easy to use and helps to keep young women safe when out on dates, trying to get home, and navigating relationships. It even has links to hotlines in case the worse happens. I don't think I will have to use it, but being safe is a priority when it comes to living on my own.

I think anyone who is dating should have this app personally. As my boss says, "There are just way too many freak shows out there." I feel better knowing I have people backing me up, that I am not alone in life. Hopefully, this will be a great new adventure. Adding a lifeline, well that's just how smart girls do single.

Day fifteen of FODMAP diet: lactose challenge begins!

My diet has been going swimmingly. I have had a few hiccups along the way, mainly with gluten free products because I love my wheat so much. Today, I reached a new milestone on my march towards a free and independent digestive system: the lactose challenge phase of my diet.

After not having had any substantial lactose (or sugars found in milk) for the last two weeks, I did what any sane Oregonian would do. I went straight to my local coffee shop and ordered a straight up latte. The first day of the challenge invites the partaker to one forbidden item with a specified sugar in it just to make sure a severe adverse reaction does not occur. Tomorrow, I get to go overload on dairy products, that sweet nectar of my bovine beauties. So, I will be eating yogurt at breakfast, ordering a milkshake for a snack, and blessing my taste buds with a chicken quesadilla for dinner. If my stomach survives that onslaught, I will know that lactose is not to be feared or blamed for my stomach woes.

So, I made some cookies tonight. They're gluten free, and yes, I do plan on having one with my milkshake tomorrow. I am happy to be figuring this out, even while wanting it to be over so I can get back to normal life. I am starting to realize that my life is not normal. It's beautiful in its complexity and simplicity and always unique. I don't think I would change it.

As my questions are starting to get answered, I realize that the journey here will help me hold onto the discipline it takes to maintain health in the long run. The next challenges may mean giving up some of my favorite foods, but being healthy is worth it. Here's to a new start on finding goodness in the food. This too shall pass. ;)

Misadventures in dating

If you were here right now, we'd be sitting at Sweetest Thing Cupcakes in downtown Newberg sharing a cupcake and our hearts over some tea. I would laugh and tell you about my latest misadventure in dating while being happy because it's just one more foul ball on my grand slam quest. One of these days, hopefully soon, I am going to hit it out of the park. And when I do, I know you'll be there cheering for me.

I met him online. He was my first contact on a free dating website. We chatted online and on the phone one time before deciding to meet in person. He was going to call me a bit later that night, but I didn't hear from him until four days later, the day of our date.

When I finally did meet him, his first compliment to me was, nice butt. I should have ended the date right then and there. I confronted the behavior, and he said never pass up an opportunity to give a compliment. Seriously?!

We walked down the streets on Newberg long enough for all my favorite places to close and long enough for me to understand that this man was a self-proclaimed project. Ladies, can I tell you a hard fought truth I have learned from all my misadventures with men? If he isn't the kind of man you could see raising your babies with you right now, run for the hills and never look back!

We ended up eating an early dinner together at one of my least favorite places in Newberg because it's become the home of my almost but not quite connections with people. He rearranged the table as if he were a child. I think he thought he was being cute. I thought, what a spoiled brat! But, being hyper curious, I had to make sure I wasn't missing out on something good. So I fired my calibrated canon ball. I asked him what his life's mission was. He said it was to let go (pause for dramatic effect) and let God. I stared at him and started praying, "Jesus, how do I support that mission?" What a train wreck.

He couldn't wait to get out of there after that. I walked him back to his car. He hugged me and gave me a kiss on the head and told me it would be all right. Well, sir, I know that, but this date clearly was not.

It wasn't a complete disaster. We had some laughs, somethings in common, and he truly did listen to me. But I didn't feel valuable, cherished, or special when I was with him. I am no longer desperate, sisters! Let's hear it for progress!

I learned to trust my gut, that I can say no, and that I am worth being treated well. And, I am talking to someone else. I am excited to meet this guy because he shares his day with me and wants to hear about mine. I already feel special when I talk with him.

So, here's to hoping the next one sticks. And if not, I know my man will find me one day. It's just a numbers game.

Thanks for sharing my tea and cupcake with me. May you always have awesome dates and learn from the not so stellar experiences.

Day five of FODMAP

My daddy once told me that it's learning to want what is good for us that's the hardest part. Well world, I am learning that I really enjoy not only the food on my table also but the way I feel at the end of the day.
I am learning that this holds true in life too. There are these temptations that seem so good at the time. My stomach turns sour and body stops moving under their influence. Could it be that healthy people and a healthy relationship will cure my ales here too? I don't know, but I plan on finding out.
Truth is, I want to love someone and be smiling at the end of the day. I don't want to think of my man and be crying at the end of the day. So baby, here I am. Come show me that there's joy in the letting go, and the good is worth sacrificing for.
Keep dreaming, knowing that when you open wide your mouth, the Lord will satisfy you with every good and perfect gift from His hand. Surely my Maker knows what's best for me.

FODMAP adventure day one.

I created a collection with HTC Share and I want to share it with you. Click the link below to check it out. https://share.htc.com/q8mdzIlC4 "FODMAP here I come!"

I have IBS. Today was my first day controling my FODMAP intake (carbs that are hard for the body to break down) and I feel amazing! I had coffee, cornflakes in rice milk, and a hard boiled egg for breakfast. Lunch consisted of my usual turkey and swiss sandwich with mustard minus the bread. In its place, I had lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumber. My snacks were gluten free brownies and a piece of corned beef. And my dinner is on display for you: the best pork fried rice I have ever had and some pineapple on the side. I don't feel deprived, my stomach has not been protesting my food choices, and I can actually feel myself digesting properly. It's fantastic!
If you've got food problems, know that you're not alone. You can overcome them and have a healthy relationship with your body and food. Know too that sometimes it's a bit of a journey. I've been trying to name my mystery symptoms for years, let alone find a viable option for treating them. Don't give up, and don't stop believing that you're worth saying no to temporary pleasure for a more fulfilled lifestyle. Food was made to be good for you. You can enjoy it and still be healthy. It's just a process of learning what your body's optimum fuel is. So don't give up.
You may just discover something delicious along the way.
Happy eating! ;)

New begenings

It's a new season, a new day in the garden. I've learned much over the last few years, and now it's time to put it all into practice.
I found myself in the garden last night, much to my delight. The garden symbolizes birth, new life, tenacity, and courage to me. When I am in the garden, suddenly the modern world dissipates. Life becomes simple once more. It's easy to believe life began in a garden, that people were simply meant to love each other, God, and the earth between their fingers and toes. We breathe a sigh of relief in the midst of the "boring" work of weeding, planting, and watering.
Maybe what we need in our world isn't more excitement but more connection. Maybe what we're craving is togetherness, the opportunity to belong to one another, to be acknowledged for our work, and to contribute to the good of those we love. Maybe life was meant to be simple. We are made to love in a garden. Find me there. I will be laughing and working shoulder to shoulder with the beloved of my Father.
Life is to short not to garden.

LAST PAPER OF COLLEGE CAREER

Well, here it is! My last paper ever. I am tired; my body has decided to quit on me. I am going to go take a nap now, but I finished all my papers. WOW! I can't believe it is over. My advise to anyone entering college is to get yourself a good research writing handbook. You're going to need it. Also, familiarize yourself with the citation tool in your word processor. It will make the process so much easier. I used The Curious Researcher by Bruce Ballenger throughout my college career. It saved my bacon on more than one occasion  All the best to those still in school, just starting, or who have graduated. It's a lot of work, but just doing it is quite the achievement. I salute you!

Amy

Food Diversity in America

I love to eat ethnic food. I am an eighth Italian, and eighth Mexican, and a whole hearted fan of all things new and adventurous when it comes to food. One of my favorite types of cuisines that is available readily to all Oregonians is Thai food. I found myself with great delight sitting down at the Thai Peacock on the corner of Ninth Street and Oak in downtown Portland on Wednesday of last week to a house special, Peacock Curry. My Thai Iced Tea was a lovely orange color with the cream whirled around in it. A small bowl of rice was brought to me, sprinkled with sesame seeds of black and tan, for catching the sauce of the curry. The curry itself was a mixture of peanut and red curry sauces. Chicken, peppers, carrots, and some potatoes swam in the sauce, soaking up the flavor like a kid at the pool. Surrounded by great company, a truly Thai atmosphere, and wonderful conversation, this is a meal I won’t soon forget.

Rice

     Rice is a staple in most cultures, and Thailand is no exception to this rule. In the primarily agricultural system of Southeast Asia, rice is the dominate cereal crop and is valued far beyond its nutritional value (Esterik, 2008, pp. 19). Rice is considered to have a soul that must be nurtured, and the best known of the 120,000 varieties grown in the region is Jasmine (Esterik, 2008, pp 19). “Thailand is the largest exporter of rice at about eight million metric tons.” (Esterik, 2008, pp. 19, 20) People prefer to eat the local variety of rice for their meals, the kind that like them has adapted to the climate where they live (Esterik, 2008, pp. 20). “Rice for household consumption is always separated from seed rice to be used for the next season’s planting and from rice that will be sold. Elder women select the best seeds of rice to be kept for seed.” (Esterik, 2008, pp. 20) Clearly, rice is a key ingredient to any truly Thai meal. I used mine to soak up extra sauces and help fill up my belly.

Chicken

    Americans love to eat meat, but this is not the case the world over. In Thailand, meat is rarely the centerpiece of the meal, with only a small quantity included for flavor of whatever meat is being used (Esterik, 2008, pp. 31). When meat is used, the whole animal will be included, with cuts like the brains, entrails, and other organs being sold for a comparable price to the muscle meats Americans so highly prize (Esterik, 2008, pp. 31). My curry dish being focused around the chicken in it is a prime example of Thai cuisine being westernized to please the palette of the customer. I appreciate this, however if I go to Thailand I know not to expect meat in every dish.

Curry

        Curry is something unique to regions of the world that have access to spices, and Southeast Asia is known for its spice trade.

Southeast Asian cuisine has been described as a balance of hot, sour, salty, and sweet. These flavors are accomplished by blends of spices and herbs, all locally available and highly valued. It was spices that first drew Arab and European traders to the region. And spices still form an integral part of Southeast Asian dishes. (Esterik, 2008, pp. 32)

A mortar and pestle are used to grind plants and spices together to make flavor pastes to be

used in that days cooking (Esterik, 2008, pp. 34). Hard, dry ingredients are added first to the ensemble of ceramic, wood, or stone and ground with subsequently softer, watery ingredients being added later in the process (Esterik, 2008, pp. 34). The recipe and flavors variey from region to region and chef to chef  (Esterik, 2008, pp. 34). Curry powder was developed by the Britsh originally to recapture the taste of Indian cooking while at home (Esterik, 2008, pp. 35). Evidently, my dish was not authentically Thai but a hybrid of modern convience married to Thai tradition.

Vegetables

     Although the vegetables found in my particular dish are not in common use in Thailand, vegetables are highly prized in Thai cooking for their freshness and texture (Esterik, 2008, pp. 27). Vegetables are regularly grown in home gardens and sold at markets (Esterik, 2008, pp 27). Common vegetables of the region include water spinach, onions, garlic, eggplant, “banana blossoms, bitter melon, lotus, bok choy, rapini, napa cabbage, sweet potato, green onions or scallions, Chinese chives, bean sprouts (from soy and mung beans), and a wide variety of local greens.” (Esterik, 2008, pp. 27, 28) New world vegetables have been added to the cuisine as well (Esterik, 2008, pp. 28). The inculsion of carrots, peppers, and potatoes in my meal then seems typical of the style while still being true to the region of the world the restaurant has been established in. These people are known for using the vegetables readily available to them and adapting non-native vegetation to their particular brand of cooking in a way that compliments the flavor profile of their culinary heritage.
   Enjoying the food of Thailand in its Westernized form, I have learned that food cannot be taken out of the cultural context without adapting to the ingredients available within that region. I also am thankful to be an American living in the Pacific Northwest. Incredible bounty of produce and animals thrive here. This directly influences the food choices not only of local fare, but also those of other cultures who chose to come and make this place their home. I enjoy all the various tastes, traditions, and cultural diversity that my beloved Pacific Northwest fosters. There’s no other place like it, and I am blessed to call it home.

Bibliography

Esterik, P. V. (2008). Food Culture in Southeast Asia. Westport, CT: Greenwood Publishing

Group.

Restaurant, T. P. Peacock Curry and Thai Iced Tea. April 17, 2013, Portland.

Woman: Journey Toward Feminism

When I first met Curtis, he told me he was a raging feminist. I laughed and told him I wasn't. This has been a topic I have struggled with all my life. Feminists in my mind were those women who could not accept their place in the home, saw their God given ability to be mother and wife as something of a nuisance and were not content with the role they were given to play in this world. In my mind, nothing good had come out of the feminist movement.

When I talked to Curtis about my core values, he challenged me that they were all feministic in nature. I believe in the equality of all people. I believe that everyone has something to contribute in this world. I honestly believe that if a woman has the drive and ambition to work her way toward the position of CEO in a company, she should not be denied that position because of her gender. I also believe that men can be just as good, if not better, homemakers as women. I have known some men who are excellent care takers of children, and to deny them the right and privilege of raising their babies seems a bit narrow to me too. He said I was a feminists, and I laughed again and told him I was an individualist. (Of course I had to coin my own term for it! I must be different for the sake of being curious.)

This semester has further challenged my beliefs about where exactly I stand on the whole feminist movement. My biggest problems with the movement in no particular order are
1) neglect of the home in favor of pursuing one's own ambition~ I believe family is worth sacrificing for, that children should not be raised by childcare, and that people do better when they know they are loved, wanted, and valued. Most children in America get 15 minutes of one-on-one time with a parent a week. I worked in mentoring. When an adult would take just one hour a week to devote to a child, their grades and test scores would improve; their self-esteem would rise; and they were less likely to get into trouble with the law. The neglect of the family in favor of career has a serious impact on our society. If both can be managed, awesome. But to give up on those who are nearest to you and need you most for something as "common as money" is a travesty.
2) disrespect of men~ I love men. I love how they are aggressive, logical, adventure seekers, and love to protect and provide for their own. I love the fact that they roam in packs when they are young and give all that up to be the best friend of a woman. Granted, they are people, and there are times when they say things about women that irritate me to no end. I am smart; I am capable, and I can make good choices without the help of a man. But a choice for relationship always seems preferable to me because people are the most important thing in my opinion. When pointing out differences, it seems to me that men get disrespected a lot by the feminist movement. I know this is a reaction to the disrespect women feel, but fighting fire with fire does not seem like a good strategy to change anything on either side. It just seems like it's going to burn the forest and the common ground down on this one.
3) self-reliance~ I have tried to be a strong, independent woman my whole life. I suck at it. I need people, need to be in community. My phone bill alone shows this. I do best when I am focused on others, giving, and  involved in group activities. To me, being a feminist has always meant giving that up.

But this semester, something changed in my thinking about this movement. I started a painting class in which I  explored the theme, Female In God's Image. As I painted, I realized how much joy my female relationships have brought to me. Each painting became an explosion of color and life. I want all of these women to have the best life possible for their unique self. I also learned about the convention of Seneca Falls where the feminist movement was born some 72 years after our country and 72 years before women got the vote. What I saw there was a community that felt they needed to speak up for the marginalized and were not allowed to because of their gender. They wanted the right to vote so they could end slavery, the right to divorce and keep their children to end the cycle of abuse, and the right to work to support themselves if they had no one to do it for them. I could relate to these women. I feel compelled to speak out for those who cannot speak up for themselves. I have had to divorce my husband to end the cycle of abuse. I am so thankful to be able to work as something other than a prostitute or servant, thankful to be graduating college. All of these good things in my life would not even be possibilities without the feminist movement.

I was talking to Carrie in art class yesterday about my main concern with the feminist movement being a devaluing of what I ultimately want to do with my life: raise my children inside of a healthy marriage and work if I must within my home to help with the finances. She told me that feminism could embrace that, and that there was nothing incompatible with my dream and being a feminist. I sighed a little sigh of relief. It seems to me that I can be a strong, lovely, empowered woman and still want to stay within my home. Maybe I am a feminist after all, just one that embraces men too. After all, we're all human, all a part of this dance called life.

Last week of classes, ever...

Wow! I can hardly believe that this is my last week of classes, that next week, after finals, I graduate from University! It's absolutely amazing to me.
People ask me what I am going to do next in my life, and I have an answer. I am going to live every day to the fullest, seizing all opportunities, loving everyone I come in contact with, and learning what it means to live on earth as it is in heaven. I don't know where I will be living a year from now, what job I will have, who my friends will be, or if I will be romantically involved. I have learned there is one sure thing in my life: the Love of God.
So, if you're looking for specific details, I guess I don't have any of those answers. I prefer to live day to day, doing the best I can, living my passions, and leaving nothing unsaid. I know life is short and fleeting. I don't want to say goodbye to anyone without them knowing how much they mean to me because I may never get the chance to see them again. But, I am building to leave a legacy of hope, love, and courage behind me. I want people to think of me and get happy knowing that joy is just around the corner and nothing beautiful is ever lost for long. These are my gifts to the world.
Graduation, here I come! The best is on the horizon.

Tell Me What You Want

Dude, counselor people are crazy good at asking stupid simple questions which are impossible to answer! If you have this ability, you should consider a career in this particular field. You'd get paid bank, and you'd have an awesome time using your God-given ability to drive people from madness to sanity while making them mad all the while.

So, needless to say, the counselor dude that I am seeing asked me one of these questions that has me thinking hard. He said that I needed a constant reminder of what it is that I want and don't want in my life. I need to hang out with people who are going the same direction in their life that I am and to fix my course by saying no to people who are not the kind of person I want to someday be. Apparently, I am a little too social for my own good.

We also talked about future relationships. He asked me what type of relationship I wanted to have when I was married, what it would look like. I just know I want a good relationship with my husband, but I don't know exactly what that looks like. He told me I needed to make a little 3x5 index card that states what I want in a man, what I don't want in a man, and things I'd like to have in a man. That way I can carry it with me all the time, and if a conversation comes up about a deal breaker I will know it's time to walk away. I always think, "I can make this work." Other women say, "HELL NO!" So we're working on that.

This is my list. I won't tell you what each item is, a yes, maybe, or hell no, but it's nice to actually have one. Looking at it, I realized that a lot of the men I have dated wouldn't have even had a prayer if I had made this sooner, over half of them really. My girls made fun of me today for my enthusiasm when any man shows any sign of interest in me. I have settled pretty much all of my life. I am not willing to anymore.

So do you have a list, things that you have to have or can't stand? Are you living intentionally, or have you been settling for whatever scraps fall from the metaphorical table of life? It's never too late to use both your head and heart when it comes to relationships. Being single some days is hard, but I love it so much more than being in a dysfunctional relationship. And, with any luck, one day I'll meet someone who has all of the yeses, none of the hell nos, and a few maybes too. I'm going to do it with the aid of this index card and Jesus. ;)

The Lavish Love of God

I went to a Graham Cooke conference this week. I spent the last two days just listening to things I have never known about the love of God for me. I want to post all of my notes, but I have about 10 pages worth, and I don't know how to convey the depth of it all to you.

The conference took place in Portland, and I got to go for free because Graham spoke at GFU's chapel and furnished some free tickets for students. I got a golden ticket. WOW! I have always wanted to hear Graham speak, to meet him. He's one of my heroes of the faith along with Mother Teresa and Brennan Manning. These people exemplify the love of God to me, that crazy heart of God that accepts us, loves us, and dies for us while we are still his enemies. I know no other love like this. I know I never will. That's why it is enough to be like Him. With a love like that, I cannot lose.

Graham spoke on the four stages of sonship and growing up in God over the last two days. He spoke about how when we are an infant, we learn that we are loved just because God is love and He loves to love us because it brings Him pleasure. There is nothing we can do to earn or deserve the love of God. It just is. I have been missing this for a very long time in my relationship with God (not from a lack of Him trying to convey it to me...that's for sure). It was so freeing. I felt myself relax in the goodness of God's love. For the first time, I realized it doesn't matter what anyone else says about me or feels toward me. I am going to be just fine.

The next stage of being a son is the toddler and early childhood stage. These kiddos learn how to behave toward their peers and other people. This is learning how to love those around us and dream with God. We get to create with Him and live in the reality that nothing is impossible with God. Instead of looking at the problem, we look at a creative way to do something differently. It's inventing a strategy for going around the problem instead of working through it because there are no problems in heaven. There is no sorrow in heaven. This blew my mind. If I truly believe God can answer my prayer, "Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven," I need to realize that it's going to happen in my life not by an elimination of problems, but by my acceptance of problems as an opportunity for God to show me something new about Him and to do something impossible in my life. Problems are cause for rejoicing.

Next we learned about the young adult stage of being God's kid. These folks are investing in their future, forming it, asking questions, and trying things out. They get a promise from God and just want to run after it full speed. This is a time of trying things out in the spirit, of doing instead of just wanting everything to be given. It's the time of self determination and dreaming bigger, setting the course of your life. There's a lot more. The thing that touched me the most about this particular part was that God gives us promises in order to sustain us through the tough spots of life. If He gave us a promise, He has to preform it, so it's good news because we know that we will get through whatever we're going through.

Finally, the mature son runs the family business with God. We get to partner with God in bringing heaven to earth by relying on Him fully, continually asking for the promises He's given us, and knowing that we have whatever we ask for. If God promises us something, it's not a matter of if we'll get it, but when. This is the place where the world gets turned upside down. What you see in Jesus, you become to the rest of the world around you. No complaints, no negativity, no bitterness. Jesus died for those things on the cross, and that's the most romantic thing you can give to Him. That's His stuff. Our stuff that He gives to us is joy, life, love, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness  These are what we give to those around us, loving them how Jesus loves us.

This is all a process. We go from strength in the love of God to strength until we reach maturity. We never leave behind any part of our relationship with God. Rather, we take each part with us into the next stage of our journey. There is so much more that happened, so much in my heart that got tweaked, healed, and put right. Walking it out will be the challenge, but I am excited for it. I asked God what He is doing, and He said He's teaching me how to possess the promises He's given me. I love it. Going through the process helps us to stay in the promises of God once we receive them and keeps us looking for those promises until we find them. It's like the best Easter egg hunt of all time!

If you don't believe me, that's ok. I'll let you watch my life and see if this stuff really works. If you've tried and failed, know that you are dearly loved and God's not angry with you. He loves you because He is love and He delights in loving you. And, if you are stuck somewhere, know that it's God's job to pursue you. He is the Lover in this relationship. We are the Beloved. He will do what He wants when He wants. All you do is say yes to Him. That's it. And no, it's not rational, logical, or intellectual. It's foolish. But it's more fun. I've tried to be logical. It makes my heart sick and hurts my body too. I think I'll just go back to being Abba's child now, if you don't mind.

I have not attained all of this, but I am learning that it is ok. My heart is happy; my spirit is full, and I know that God has more for me than what I have planned. I love you all more than I can rightly say. I will learn to love you better.

May you know how beautiful you.

Amy

Poisonous Life

Broken bottle of booze on the sidewalk
Shattered glass, God knows why.
Jagged cut on my finger
Bleeding from the bread knife glide.

Some things never can
Be put back together again,
Like you and me-
You're with her, and I'm learning to be free.

Other cuts take longer,
So much longer to heal
Like the wounds you gave my heart,
Scars that are just starting to look real.

I don't trust myself anymore,
Don't trust what I'll do with others.
I don't believe in love that lasts-
Just a duty of being plundered.

I know this is not truth
Because I see reality around me.
I don't know how to shake the thoughts,
The bondage that's surrounding

My heart and head
With words that you said
Spoken like poison
Into the ocean of my soul.

You would always say,
A lake of truth to hide a drop of poison,
But I found the drop of truth
In your poisonous life.

God did not make me to be a slave;
He did not make you to hurt others.
This is not His fault,
Just a lie you told us to cope.

I wish someone would have taught you
That real men protect, provide, profess
What's going on in their hearts and souls,
That you are good and not evil-

So we would have been different.

But I cannot change the past,
Cannot erase the memories
Nor banish the thought
Of the suffering in lovemaking.

All I can do is forgive you,
Learn another way,
Talk this through to heal the wound,
And know I will one day be okay.

A Road Called Recovery

When my baby sister was five, we were playing tag in my parents' house. I chased her around the kitchen, which had two openings, one to the hall and one to the dinning room. The hall and the dinning room were connected as well, making a perfect loop for our game of chase. We were laughing and all was well until my sister ran into the wall head first, and then ran to her room. I was yelling, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," and chasing her still. My eldest sister was baby siting us for the first time while my third sister was away with my mom and her best friend celebrating her birthday in January. As my baby sister went to put her head on the pillow, I said, "Stop, you're bleeding." We took her into the kitchen, where my eldest sister and I became very adult. My eldest sister called everyone on the emergency list for help, and I cleaned the blood up and applied pressure to it. I think I was ten years old. We got a hold of help, my baby sister got her stitches, and my eldest sister and I had to convince my mom it wasn't a joke when she came through the door an hour later. (Cell phones would have changed the whole story.)

When crisis happens in my life, I am very good at dealing with it. I always have been. It's a good thing too. There have been a lot of crisis's in my life. It's only after the trauma subsides that I am left shaking, crying, and unable to cope any longer. I think paramedics term it shock. Once I know I am safe, I am able to start dealing with things instead of responding in the appropriate manner. In a way, this dichotomy has always lived inside of me. I am the carefree spirit until things go wrong, and then I am going to fix them as best I can. I will deal with the feelings later, privately, when I feel safe enough to grieve, to breathe, to know that no one else is in danger.

On Saturday night, I finally felt safe enough to cry about the abuse in my past and how it has shaped the way I look at things and respond to people romantically. I don't think I've ever had a completely healthy romantic relationship. This saddens me because it's the most important thing to me. My view of love, sex, marriage has been shaped by abuse. I finally made an appointment to see someone to talk it out and try to get healthy, but it terrifies me at the same time. I don't want to think about it, but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm not ready to pursue a career after graduation because I don't want to bring my issues with me into my professional life. First impressions are hard to change, and once you have a reputation, it's almost impossible to change the way others respond to you in that context. When I am ready to be known professionally, I want it to be the healthy me that others respond to, not the one that says inappropriate things at inappropriate times because I am broken inside and need to deal with my wrecked emotional landscape.

On Saturday, I felt overwhelmed, hopeless, and unloveable. When I have gotten this way in the past, I have become suicidal. My friend Mary said on Sunday morning in her post that no one can remove themselves from this life without tearing the fabric of other people's worlds. So I did something I have not done before. I posted to my Facebook that I was struggling, and you, my dear friends, responded with open arms. Just knowing that you were praying for me, that I am not on this road called recovery alone makes all the difference in the world for me. I isolate because I don't want to cause your heart pain as I go through this process, and sometimes I don't want you to see me as anything other than strong. Also, I only feel safe with a very few people. I need to know I am ok regardless of what I do because so much of my being accepted has been based on what I do or do not do. By-product of past abuse, I am sure. Sometimes all I need is a hug, or to laugh, or just to know you care. I don't always want to talk about it. I don't always feel safe with everyone. I'm not trying to insult anyone; it's just where I am at. Safe means confidential to me as well as not being judged. So if I don't give specifics, just know that's my choice to keep my heart safe for now while I am healing.

One last thing. If you meet someone who's behavior you don't understand or agree with, please don't take it as face value or personal. They may have gone through more than you possibly can imagine, and well meaning attempts to fix it may just be putting a band-aid on a broken leg. Listen to people. Love them as much as you can while respecting their boundaries. Know that God makes all things beautiful in His time, and sometimes healing takes longer than we would like. I've been separated from my ex-husband for four years and divorced for three now. I feel like I am just starting to heal in some areas. If someone medicates themselves in ways that are unfamiliar to you or harmful to them, pray about it before you talk to them about it. I know there have been a lot of times where I've been hurt further by well meaning people. The right answer isn't always the best one when people are hurting. This is why I love the way Jesus dealt with the woman caught in adultery and the woman at the well. He didn't condemn them, but he loved them out of it. Sometimes, that's the only thing that fixes anything. God's not intimidated by my sin. He understands it, AND He won't leave me there. He loves me out of it.

Thank you for being patient with me, for your support, and for listening. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for respecting my boundaries. And thank you for understanding when I have not been ready to deal with it yet. This is a step by step process, and I'm glad that you have faith to believe in me, that I will be well again one day.

All my Love,
Amy